Spetskompetens: February 2007

ok, i might as well just start now. this will be with me for a long time now, and i will probably be angry with myself in the end for doing this, or not in the end probably, but close to the end. i will bring the lap top wherever i go, and use my mobile phone to time how long the gaps between the times i write are. i just counted, and since the plan is to put a little weight on the z when i have to sleep, so the pages will fill up with zeds while i sleep, one nights sleep, eight hours will be nine pages. only nine fucking pages, i definitely thought it would be more. but since its not it means i can actually do this without the most of the book being filled with the letters. maybe i should explain the rules here in the beginning, since its the only place i can be a little bit sure people will look when they look through the book on the exhibition. or the beorderling, or when i start selling this book and become rich. i really have to print a few copies with print on demand and sell on my web site and to friends. really nice, wonder if i can afford it. well well, where was i, rules, going away to get food means i put a weight on the comma sign, since i will be back shortly. for a longer break, like a class where they will be offended by me writing all the time, i will make points, dots. thats it i guess. yeah, and i will not go back to correct stuff or even read stuff, since i want it to be live, as real time as i can make it. one exception though, i will probably read a bit from this text when we have the lecture on wednesday, for the rethorics class. maybe even this part, huh. very meta. hello, nice that you came. ok where was i. probably nowhere anyway. so now what, this is the first time i have to start a new line of though, or what you should call it. dont really know what to call it. hey now im bothered by the fact that i might have to read this aloud for the lecture, shit, and also since im bothered by it i cant really skip doing that cause it would probably be great if i did. all stuff like that will probably be gone by page, say twohundred. the issue about what to do with question marks and other punctuation marks, fancy word, is a bit unsolved. one thing i can do is to run through the whole text with the spellcheck and just remove all signs i cant afford. it bothers me a bit that i cant really use capitals even. i dont want the book to seem freaky for freakiness sake. even though there might be some truth in that too. where was i, my head is a bit tired already, ok it is half past eleven eleven o clock. november twothousand and six, im twentyseven years old, and i have just been ill for five whole weeks. bad flu, and then another one, even antibiotics couldnt beat it up properly, it got worse as soon as i stopped with it. and now it seems i will need forever to get back completely. ill probably be super weak until christmas, but getting better of course. i had two beers tonight, at tomas exhibition opening, and, man, i got so tired and heavy from it, almost died. so i went home and started drawing for renes assignment, and then for some reason started calculating how many . fuck, i just managed to throw some stuff away. how can you make programs that have an undo function, but no redowell, i started calculating how many pages eight hours of sleep would fill. forty lines with eighty signs per row, one sign per second. that makes something like nine pages per night. not too much, so it doesnt fill up the book, which is good. control save control save. also, i once calculated that this will take around one hundred and ten hours to write, based on a test i made before. so, tomorrow i plan to write for twenty four hours, as a start. to have it for the rethorics lecture. and lets say i manage to write five hours per day on days where i have to do other stuff. while i calculate this ill press the comma ah shit, if i do that and a little bit more its still two weeks, but then im not counting the zzz that goes on at night. so that takes off ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,yeah nine pages per night, since its four hundred and ten thats how much cant really figure out how much it is, what should i use percent or what. ill just go on with this, if i cant take it in the ,,joel came in to the room so i talked to him a bit. so if i cant take this marathon, if i have to give up ill do it. as long as i gave it my absolutely best shot. it is going to take a lot to make me stop, but my health, mental and physical has the last say. drawing drawing, joel is going to draw letters. i would like to draw some too, but i have to write. every hour ill be thinking about writing this book. remember that its fun, a funny happy little project, bunny funny project honey. lonny, sonny, conny, bonny, ronny, jonny and ponny. i would like to go get the juice that on the table but i cant reach it and i should be writing every second so there will be no juice for mister mattsson. or like the internet company upc thinks may name is, k a l l i mattsson. very creative. other versions ive heard is kalle battsson, and kalle satsson, both from the same company. the company that runs the ferry to gotland outside of sweden. two years in a row they gave me a wonderful surname. i have the feeling i want to write about design and drawing and images and stuff, since im writing this for school. but it could also be that its because they are my main interests, hard to tell. in a while the first lie if this text will not be visible in the wordpad document im writing this in, then i will have written so much that the window will be to small. a fantastic achievement. one two three four, everybody is a bore. four five six seven, thats why they will all go to heaven. wow, what a nice poem, im getting good at writing, i can see it all before me, the books i will write, the chicks i will get, the guys that will envy me, and the cars i will drive. so nice that the window pops away a line every time i finish one. i already like the mass of this text, i bet this book will weigh a lot, with so many letters in it. i think ill write down some wisdom now, hm what. no, now i know, ill write a religion. i have the time, i have the power of the written word and i feel like it.
so. in the beginning there was actually something, there was a really heavy black cube, that stood so still it seemed to vibrate. it had been forever and it still is. this black cube contained everything anyone could ever learn, know, or do. everything anyone could ever need, want or have. however this did not last very long. the bells rang, the hells sang, and the evil one entered. higher than anything anyone could need want or have, and wider than anything anyone could learn, know or do. he fell in love with the cube and made it his bitch. he abused it and comforted it when he was remorseful. this lasted for sixteen eternities, but then the cube became aware of its own existence. by then it was easy for it to use what it had always contained, which was everything, and crush the evil one. the cube did not only destroy the evil bastard, he was also made an example of. each part of the evil bastard was spiked on one of the eight corners of the cube. and on the first day of a new eternity they would change place. and worst of all, the parts were never killed, they could not move but they could feel, and bleed. the blood would run along the edges of the cube, since there was still no up or down in the world, the blood streams would sometimes collide. so it once came to be, that the evil one learned to communicate between two of his limbs, through the blood stream running along the edges of the cube. on eternity number sixteen, since the evil bastard was spiked, two of his legs were connected. this passed unnoticed by the cube, and therefore the bastard could try to make a run for it. but where could he run. anything that existed was inside the cube, and on the outside there was nothing. this proved to be not completely true. since he was able to run, he must have something to run on. and for each step he took, there was for the first time something. right under the feet there where coordinates. places. the first places. the two travelled on, there was for the first time somewhere to run. what the evil one could not know, is that he ran in an angle that took him steadily uphill, in a perfect angle, so that he came to for a perfect sphere, as if he was runing inside a balloon. each step created a new patch of shell that would eventually form the surface of the world. in the end there was no space left inside the sphere. they could no longer move, there was nowhere to run. the cube was again so still that it vibrated, and even though the evil one could use two limbs at the same time, he was helplessly stuck inside the mass he had created by running. this tension, the communication between the evil limbs and the vibrations of the infinitely still cube, containing evetything that can exist, was eventually to much for the shell to harbour. it started to leak. the cube did not break, it did not become softer. still it spread parts of its content through the layers of coordinates, to the outer surface of the shell. all the way to the ground created by the first steps ever taken, taken by the evil abuser. one of the first thing to reach the surface was the wish to live. soon others followed, and eventually time and life and everything we know of today was up there. the world as we know it was created. the cube continued to spread its content, it increased its pace through out the years and once we were created, we learned more and more. everything we wish for will someday surface from the depths of the planets core, where the cube with the spiked limbs of the bastard still lies. its infinite and it feeds of itself. the bastard is selfish and tries to pull back what has surfaces, but the first layers of shell he created when he ran for the first time, is to thick. he is constantly pulling, therefore the gravity. if the evil one would die, we could all fly. if the evil one would die, we would also all know that this is really what happened, what created the world. the other planets in the universe are replicas of this one. copies sprung out of panic, empty clones that resemble our planet. memories of the evil ones struggle, spread and formed by the vain struggle to get free.
one day we will know everything. it is all an illusion that we have gained the knowledge of mankind through generations of hard research and science. it will all come to us, effort or not. one day we will even learn how to cut the evil abusers bloodstreams, cutting it completely off. we will also learn how to kill it. we will one day be able to fly. we will again be one with the cube but on the planet earth. we will still exist, we will not be ideas inside the cube. we will be all knowing, able to do everything, and perfect, capable of all. the evil abuser is still struggling so hard, trying so hard to get free, to burst through the surface of what has become our world, and escape. this would create a path of coordinates, places, in its footsteps. which we could follow. we would have to leave the first planet, but we would have a path that would take us to places we could not imagine. we could not imagine since the cube would no longer be with us, we would stop to learn and imagine. but we would forever have what we had at the point where the cube left. some people want this to happen, the try to dig as deep as they can to let the bastard out, to let it run away with the cube. to stay and have all, or to go and have something new, something else. that is the point of where we are now. in a hundred years or so the cube will have leaked us the answer to what is best, and we will no longer ask.

that was fun, it almost made sense. i think i would like to write some more stuff like that. i just woke up, im still in bed writing this. i had pretty fucked up dreams. i dreamed me and mattias and martin had rented a cabin in the forest, i had for some reason brought an m sixteen for protection, a really dangerous fire arm. eventually a police came along and gave me a fine for it, and it was my uncle. why is it always that dreams slip through your finger when you try to pinpoint them, to write them down or just think about them. i also dreamed it was some kind of christmas, and also that we had like a maths test at school or something, and was so fucked, hadnt even bought the books needed. everybody else was fine. we were on a class trip at one point. for some reason there was a swimming pool bathing facility in the basement of my bank in sweden, so we sneaked through it, a bit embarrassing to go through their bank to use their stuff, since we did it so many times. dreams are so wierd, but also nice. i changed bed yesterday, since i was unlucky enough to get to move into the living room i had to get rid of my big one, since it was too big to hide behind the shelf i have. i really cant sleep if someone can see me, its pretty precise. i just cant get sleep cosy if someone might talk to me or see me. i have to be undisturbed completely. it has gotten way better that when i was younger, but im still way more sensitive than others. i guess this is good for me, to stay in the living room, its always good to practise stuff you dont really like to do. i guess i will need less privacy after this. this bed is better than my regular one though. its actually two pretty filthy mattresses on top of each other. my real one it one sixty wide i think, and these are ninety wide, but way easier to slip in behind a shelf to hide away. also my regular one needs an additional matress on top, its stone hard. i actually slept really good on this one, thank god since i will write all day and really need to not have a fucked head today. i forgot about something, since the book will write itself with dots when im not writing in it, it will go way faster than i thought. if i write five hours a day, nineteen will be dot filling or zed filling. that actually not very good, ill have to write more. but i probably cant, i can only do what i can, nothing else. ill see what happens. at least ill write beyond the limit of boredom today, and beyond the limit of comfort and exhaustion. well, hope it turns out as something. i wonder how much data it will be, how heavy the textfile will be. pretty heavy i think. for being text. blagh blah bla. poor karin now, her grandmother is sick, in the hospital. hey who am i talking to here, i shouldnt have a reader in mind should i. i should just write for myself. my line of thought. i wonder how she feels right now, its really a deep blow if the would not make the operation. shit i dont want that, she doesnt deserve to lose her loved grandmother, she seems so sweet and nice. shes probably in a bit of a shock, and then what the fuck am i doing here writing this stupid book, even if we dont see each other that often maybe we should now. i dont like death. its such a blow, its really the nastiest thing that can happen. a safe spot in your life, where you rest and that is so good for you, can turn into a black hole thats sucks in everything else. and its the place you used to be able to hold on to, where you would go, if a situation like that would occur somewhere else. people are your home, thats really what it is. you have a house but you really have your home inside other people. i like that. need to remember that. we are the opposites of cats then, who attach to places instead of individuals. there are so many cats everywhere nowadays. mostly karins cat of course. but people have cats more often here, than in sweden. i really want a cat, a want to un allergy myself. or buy a dog instead. a little funny dog that is really really social. i want it to jump up in my bed and bug me. and do funny stuff, but not shit on stuff and bark a lot i dont want it to bark. a chihuahua would be funny. i could have it in my pocket, it would fit me, since im not fancy, so it wouldnt fit, and therefore fit. i think joel has to go buy a falafel plate for me today, i dont have time to cook. ill ask staffan what to write about. long distance sport. thats his tip. ok. long distance chess. you have a chessboard that is not square, is oblong. really long, and what you have to do is this. both teams start up on one of the short sides, the first team to reach the other side with like five of the figures wins. while going to the other side you can beat each other up. maybe you should have to move in a group, so the first figure cant be further than ten squares from the one that is last. if you still choose to go further the last one is lost. see, that would be a good game. but thats a game not a sport. so, what is it called, when you throw a led ball as far as you can. anyway, you combine that with golf. that would be great, strength and precision. in a perfect symbiosis. a hit, something for the olympics. or spear boxing, long jump under water or dogball, instead of a ball, like in football, you have a dog. ouch dont really want to think about that. i have started to think everything is so cute. like cheezy postcards with animals, so cute. i seriously think its my biological clock preparing me for kids. its getting closer, a little kid, imagine. how nice, and how crazy. its not time yet, even though i dont think it has to be so fucking planned as we seem to think. if you get a kid in your hands youll make it work out somehow. of course its smart to make it easy and convenient, but in general i think its stupid and lame to wait with things until you are ready. if you think of it that way, you will probably never be ready, i mean what is being ready for something. you cope, and either you want something or you dont. thats the deal. of course something can be very wrong and have horrible timing, but there is also a state where you are just to lame to do something. maybe ill be ready tomorrow. that type of thing. i hate that, and it keeps a lot of people from doing what they should. millions of swedish bands at least. and lots of designers and stuff. i have determined another thing that get me seriously pissed of, i think its what i hate the most. people who try to seem as they know something that they dont. and people, shit i forgot. but its a really classic male thing to brag on about something you dont know shit about, and try to make it sound like you do by being really sure, loud and interrupting everybody. also, i often dont get how you can take sides in a lot of issues. i mean there are always arguments for both sides with everything, and most of the time you really dont have the tools to determine if any of them are true. so do people go with the simplest argument, the one they hear first or what. ah, now i remember what the second thing was, thank god. i hate simple answers to complicated issues. its the mother of racism and a lot of other things. its of course really related to what i was just talking about with taking sides. like with the question about if heritage or enviroment forms a human being. how can you take full side with any of them, unless you are a scientist and have you own proof, and why would you say its only one of them. isnt it obvious that its both. people often base answers on one or two things. in a dogmatic way, and what i dont get is that so many people fiercely defend a standpoint in an issue like this. where you have nothing to go on, how can you fix yourself to one opinion. i see that you can be sure of something just by a hunch, or that you dont like the attitude of something. but it borders arrogance to claim to know something that you dont. i think its not about being confident or not, its about self distance. not in the, who am i to judge, kind of way that you dont trust your own judgement, but often i find that the only reasonable judgement is that you cant know for sure. brick walls, brick houses brick brick. in sweden we use wood, here they use brick. no room to grow trees i guess, but lots of clay and mud. i have been writing for three hours in a row now. i have to eat breakfast soon or i will just write slower, and no one gets happy from that. i wonder if i feel more hungry since the laptop is on my stomach so it squeezes it and it feels smaller. i dont know, but it seems like it. i have to go shopping too, dont have any descent breakfast. ill go to dirk, what should i eat for breakfast. should i go dutch and eat cookies and some candy. like a superwhite toast with chocolate stuff on, ontbeit cake, breakfast cake, and coffee, with a croisant with jam or peanut butter. some people live on dessert, a kids dream. but no, my breakfast will beyond healthy, ill make a wood salad with stone juice.

breakfast is done. now what. the cars in the street are messing stuff up it seems. so nice to be inside when it rains, and i will be very good boy even though i might look very passive and lazy. oh sometimes its really hard to write something, but as long as i can keep the tapping up i get further. and further. fantastic. i worry about the coming days a bit. monday i can work, til 9, then i rehearse. this means that i have to finish lock stock and barrels stuff, the shop profile, i have to make drawings for renes class, and i have to finish the lecture. all tomorrow. that will be hard. a fuck, its catching up with me now, but being away from school for almost five weeks is not as much of a disaster as i thought, other semesters it would have been, but not this one. thank god for that. i want to go buy another external hard drive today, a hard drive last approximately two years and mine is that old now, and has e v e r y t h i n g i need to keep of my work. a bit scary, so lll do that soon. i also like to buy stuff like that. its fun. i also really want to buy a mpthree player. i lost mine of course its was dead cheap, so i dont mind so much, but the earphones were pretty good. but ill buy some of that stuff soon. i have the money so thats fine, finally got my student money from sweden, now i just have to apply for the informative beheer group money, and check out what happened to my salary for the work student session last year. i really want to be rich. my definition of rich is pretty underdeveloped though. its more like, making any money at all. being able to buy stuff. like bass strings, without having to worry about it. i heard that the swedish average income is something like two thousand five hundred euros. what a joke. i live on less for three months, ok its tax on that, but i still get by more that two months on that. double everything, huh. that would be insane. i think after totally seven years of study i should get by. my god i want to do so much when after i graduate, i want to do one million small jobs, like one a day, and make money. im still in the place where i feel its an opportunity to get a job, like a gift. but not really any more, i wouldnt do stuff for free any more, im still very cheap which bugs me but im getting there. im more like, why should i give away stuff. whats in it for me. ive seen my stuff in print a million times now, its not that much of a reward. i have the right to be paid shitloads or my work. how about a descent hour rate, for the jeniferever stuff i got around five euro cents per hour. that has to stop big time. never again. pay me. i think i would actually turn stuff down now if i didnt get paid enough. its of course hard with friends, but still i cant give away my time for nothing. i have work to do, and school. i would also like to play more music, way more, tour and stuff. it will be interesting to see what happens after school. i kid of count on all my dreams coming true, or more like, that my daily life will contain more of what i want than i does now. in a more reasonable way. now its pretty much chaos. i dont mind the absence of routines, but there is just to little time, or to much to do. its so hard to find time to sit down and focus on something. im probably pretty bad at it too. i kind of live in advance. its sunday now, but im kind of already living tuesday, which makes me feel im late, and behind. that has to stop too. right now the big things are tuesday evening, showing the shop my stuff, wednedsay, having the speech, thursday showing my stuff for linda. fuck, if you press ctrl s, but slightly touch the z button aswell to fucking erase your stuff, god damn it microsoft, get a fukkkking griiipppp. ill let them know, bastards. i like the lectures subject, i have some good ammo for it, but speaking in from of people, shit, who likes that. it will probably be fine, but just saying that sometimes, eliminates the nervousness, and it might hit you right when you go up to do it, and you can be so fucked then. aw, it will be fine. it would be nice to wear a shirt made in the obsessive, stupid impractical way that im going to talk about. like the tshirts rebecca made last year. dont i have one that would fit. i should have, maybe i can make one, really fast. but fast and the concept doesnt really mix well, huh. if im smart now, i will push the business meeting with lock stock to thursday, that would solve most things, it would not be in the way there, i still have the same amount of time for the presentation of this book for friday. i got a really really nice gift from monica yesterday. something so appropriate to give to me, it will be a cathegory on my web site i think, where people can submit the own examples. i got a double snus from her. it was made wrong in the factory, the must make them on a long string of snus bags and them cut them apart, these one was just not separated from each other. so extremely cool. so i will start collecting production errors, mistakes, so nice. thank you monc. i also think i will put up some of my best images i found on the internet, some stupid stuff. i look through my inspiration folder sometimes and there are some really nice things in there. wow now i think this tunnelvison type of relation i have with this text is starting to play tricks on me. i just saw someone biking past our window with a blond kid on the back, and i thought the kid was karin as a kid. i guess it wasnt. one thing that happens when im working so long with something is that i connects objects in a composition with roles, like in a play. like one thing can miss another, or be bullied. mostly that i feel sorry for things. its pretty wack. but i do it. it was more before when i wasnt as sharp with working, when i didnt really know when something was finished, and when it took longer to make stuff. nowadays i see what i have to do much earlier, its easier and faster. i have to find a subject that can stay with me for a few pages now. lets write my lifes story, or no, i dont really want to get into describing the bad parts, i dont want to go there in this project. its also stopping me a bit that i cant, or dont want to go to revealing in this book. i would like to flow away in what i feel about karin and what i feel about others and write about secrets i have, things i do and think that nobody knows about. but as in a conversation i want to keep those out of it, since there are things i dont want a random person to read about. i dont want that, but i would like to write about it. should i censor it perhaps, or blur it, encrypt it maybe. but that adds to much to this clean concept. i dont think i should. mikaela made coffee now, joel will get me some so i dont have to stop writing mikaela showed me a nice paper just now. it was like a fabric almost, it had threads on it. pretty nice. ah coffe. i dont really respond well to coffee in general. only when i work, its funny then i can get into a super mood, and it feels so great to work. like right now. work makes me so happy now, and the music i listen to is so great. its a tortoise remix, actually remixed by john mc entire of tortoise. its very good. the original is better, but thats ok. a guy on the street here just put in every wierd object in his car. it was a metal cylinder, not as high as wide, and beige. could have been like a baking machine or something. a cute dog is on the other side of the street now. a few years ago i would have though it was ugly and stupid but now i like it. it would be nice if it was in here sleeping or chasing its tail. just not barking, oh i really want an animal. im prepared to go and buy one right now. a little dog, or a little cat. karins mothers cat, one of them, might have a bit of a brain damage. its insanely social, and like to climb slowly up your chest, into your face. its so cute, but all of a sudden it might attack you, if you pet it, it kind of gets fed up with stuff and freaks the hell out. cats and their claws, dommel, karins cat, hasnt really learned to retract his claws, he gets stuck in the sofa or wherever. if you play with him in the sofa its like playing twister. in the end his claws are stuck in random places and hes really stuck, maybe one claw left to jabber around with. he can also get into that situation all by himself. if hes cosy and purring, and grasping a bit with his claws into to sofa, his claws get stuck, and sometimes he get aware of his tail and tries to catch it, but his from paws are stuck, so he just jerk around, not getting anywhere. hes great. another funny thing i heard from joel yesterday was something a girl in his class told him. she was biking and she felt something land on her head, she actually first thought is was a bird. so she stopped and checked. it was a leaf. with a half melted piece attached to it. dessert is served. what are the odds of that. my god. who is this luke vibert that remixed this song. hes wack. are all remixers of the world into drum and base or what. its nice how different facts, events and people slips into this book. small pieces or very very very random information that find its way in to this. wow, i have to do that some more. ill look something up in something in this table and just type it in. there is an advertisement sheet for mycom, the compurterstore, and you can buy a hard drive with three hundred and twenty gigabytes, for one hundred and twenty euros. at this moment in history thats pretty cheap. i want to buy it. it would be very smart. but a have to be careful with my money. i may seem to have a lot now. but they can run out very fast. i said i would buy a pa system for the band also, so we can rehearse at tomas and monicas place, ill sent tomas an sms right now about it. now he knows.
then i need to get my amp up to the north, matze will play on tomas valvestate, and nathan has to buy cymbals. then we have our own rehearsal space in their metalworkshop. hope it happens. its so lame if it doesnt. oi oi. now what. i feel like having a shower, but i dont like the effort. i will do it when i get really fed up with sitting here writing. im not really there yet, but lets say around five, thats in two hours im pretty damn sure i will be. time to put on some new music. another fact is that joel has just found out that typedesign is very tedious. hey this band is really good, i was going to add that i dont really feel like it right now, but i changed my mind mid sentence. its also one of the best band names ive heard. i love you but i have chosen darkness. how great is that. one of my suggestions for our band was guantanamo gangbang. i still think it is very very good. arms and legs, the current name is also great, cant believe we doubted so much about it. its a fine name. i feel like playing the baritone in the band again. then it would be base baritone and guitar, that might fill up the sound in a nice way. i would rally like that. its a shame that i wouldnt play the base any more but, i really think i could to more with a guitar. i would one day also like to have a band where i just write the songs alone and see how it would work out. instrumental maybe. or just a band where i play guitar or base and just a drummer, but i dont really know about that, i rally like layered music, where you go different places and meet up sometimes. i just sneezed out my snus. i like that. its a pretty cool move. joel had another insight now. type design is for autistic people. its probably a bit true. wow i love you but i have chosen darkness is really great, i think it is a new band. but i dont really know. its clearly eighties retro goth cure new wavy, but very good. i dont really like that vibe so much but these are great songs, the really have listened to what they play and what happens when you do it. its so important to use all the instruments as elements, as tools, not just play them. you can vary it so much. one guy asked me once when i was fourteen if the possible songs wouldnt run out, i didnt really have a good answer, i felt it couldnt be like that., but i was just playing combinations of a few chord in a row back then. and just like that twelve tone music thiing, of course, if you have a strict enough set of rules you will run out of combinations. but then again there are one million ways of playing the same thing. but even if you dont count that, there are so many variations of things. oops, very close to the subject of this book huh. when i was a kid for a while i played chess on my game boy. welcom...to chessmaster. then i realized how you can draw parallells between anything and whatever you are really into at that moment. i guess that is something i occupy myself a lot with. its so stupid that you learn all your life, and knowledge, like real knowledge is so expensive to gain, and the you die. so stupid, then somebody else has to start over again, image if someone became three hundred years old. say it was a graphic designer, or a guitarist or something like that, holy shit the stuff that person would find out. the stuff that would be made. at some point that would just be impossible for anybody else to grasp but still, imagine. now its up to what you leave behind. obviously thats the deal with mankind. but we are only able to pass on so much. also, im convinced that you cant understand what youth is, what life is, until you have lived one life. until you have passed all stages, of course you dont ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................tomas called, he will start looking for a pa system now, really nice. what the fuck, i heard joel talking to somebody that crashed with a motorbike and broke their back. i hope it didnt hear that right. my god. now mikaela came home. i hear joel laughing now, so it wasnt any thing serious. thank god. ok, mikaela asked if henie our fantastic broker that never pays us back our deposit from the last place had paid it to my account yet. which he hasnt done, unless he did it today, a sunday. so lame, come on why doesnt he just pay it, typical these fucking brokers, they dress up fancy and have this superior look all the time, hot fast young urban people making cash. give us our money you fuck. impressive how many freaks there are in the infected housing business in amsterdam. all the people ive had to deal with so far regarding housing has been fucked up and illogical and sneaky and unreliable. we probably have to moveout of here in march already since our current landlord just plain lied to us about how long we cold stay. a week after we moved in here a real estate agent showed up and took pictures for the sale. she never told us anything. why the fuck didnt she put the cards on the table and say it was for six months and not a year. she deliberately gave us the impression that we could stay for as long as we wanted if we didnt screw anything up. another lying creep to the record. lying people in the face, huh. bastard. at least its not im may we have to move or something like that. that would suck more. march is fine. or april. now what. i bought a pump the other day. its blue and very big. big objects in clear colours are very in in the graphic design community. i think its because they are naively simple. you can figure them out. you can get a grip of them. unlike most things in the current world. most things are very very abstract. like how you make a living and survive. ok, you study. during that time you use other peoples money. thats already abstract, what you do has no relation to the money you use. then you work. you do something extremely specialized, so you can buy what you need from other people that also are rediciously specialized. we are so far from providing ourselves with the basic means of survival, like cutting down a tree to build a house, planting a seed to grow something that you can eat. to hunt an animal, kill it, and eat it to survive. in most professions you dont even see beginning and and end of a process. hardly anybody has any grip of any big picture. which makes us romanticize stuff we can understand. i dont know, but things that are clear and easy to follow seem so funny, comical. like if an advertisement would say straight out, buy this product, its good, like in the early commercials we would laugh. since its so clear and to the point. no big plan, no theory about selling a lifestyle. bad example. but there is clearly something funny, and charming in a naive way, about things we can understand easily. uncomplicated things are rare nowadays. systems you can easily figure out are funny. imagine a cassette player with only one play button, and a stop button. aw, also a bad example. but i know im onto something there. especially with the abstractness of todays living situation. i mean i have never created my own survival in a direct way. i have never completely seen the start and end of anything ive made. of course, if you go hard core on it at all started with big bang. but still, everything we do is pre fabricated. a job at a factory might be a good example, if you assemble cars, you might just assemble i tiny part of the car. you are such a tiny step in the process, and also, you are replaceable. maybe thats why i want a dog. they are simple, or at least it seems like that, compared to anything else. you come home, they are happy. they get food, they are happy. its the whole action reaction that we dont get as clearly as we should. the effect of our actions are so abstract, and complicated that we get intuitively confused. i attach one part to a car all day. someone gives me money, ultimate value, part of it goes to pay the roads which someone will build so i can pay someone to drive me to the factory in a bus. someone on the other side of the world grows tomatoes, which are cheaper than growing them here because of a number of complicated systems that are pretty hard to even get into thinking about. i eat them on my sandwich since i can go to the supermarket to pick them up. take a car. all i know is the interior, and i know they move around, so sometimes i get into them to go somewhere fast. ok. but i dont know shit about it. how it works, what actually happens. its all hidden. again, a very abstract situation. everybody cant know everything in the world, and thats fine. but it seems none of us know almost anything about the stuff around us. we have no connection to most things we rely on. a shower. i turn a knob, and water comes out. i have no idea how. i seriously think i, and everybody else would feel better i general if we had at least seen it being built. so we would know from our own eyes, that there are actual pipes in there. that they lead somewhere. why there is pressure, and all that stuff. ok nature doesnt work that way. and people were fine before we knew what oxygen was, and before we knew that fire is and oxidation releasing the chemical energy in wood, set off sufficient heat. sure, all you need to know it that it works that way, nothing else. but there is a limit where its just not very healthy any more to be surrounded so completely by stuff you have no idea about. also, there is just no history with most things. i have no relation to this apartment that i live in now. i take it for granted. but i could actually remove a wall, and it would change. its not fixed thing. its just prefabricated for me. electronic machines, gadgets, are even sealed so we cant, or are aware that we shouldnt open them. that creates something. clothes. who made these. what are they, i have no connection to them, most of them have no real history with me. sure i bought them there and then and i might like them and all, and ive chosen them, but they are not mine, for me, they are designed for a very large number of people, the average taste, the average size. i was able to buy them since i have borrowed money from the swedish governement, money which enables me to write this text. im writing this text, thats why i dont live in the streets. thats why i eat. this is instead of looking for fruit in a tree in the forest. how the fuck is that graspable. yes, i too get it logically. sure you do it too. but, i dont know. its a bit fucked, dont you think. where am i in all of this. why do i have a tomato from spain and a cucumber from freakin peru in my dutch edition wasa knackabrod. why can i have that. who decided that. fuck whoever decided that. that im writing this text enables me to eat that. and the system that decided that, enables me to enable myself to write this text in the first place. whoa. what is all this. its amazing that its possible to get something done with all this around us. now i feel all dizzy from this. i better put some other music on, im listening to polvo, it great, but its a bit uneasy worrying music. ominious. ninety six was a truly great year in american indie music, chavez, drive like jehu, what else. i dont know, but there were more. trans am was later but for me its kind of the same thing. i bet theyre all from chicago, like tortoise.

mmm, i went to the fast food place and bought a falafel plate. now i had the shower and ate, so i should be able to keep going for quite some time. so where was i, nowhere i think. i think i had something i wanted to write about. well well, there should be plenty of things to get me set of in some direction. im listening to shellack right now, first i put a live show with them but the speaker s on my laptop are just to small even if theyre actually pretty descent. and the mpthrees was very badly compressed, like the one that i put on just now. my god, this is a joke. its just fluttering all over the place. i should get a set of prober speakers, this sucks so bad i could cry. ill just have to go to a computer sttore and buy all the stuff i need. which is an mpthree player, a gruesomely big hard drive, three hundred and twenty seems to be the size for a god price. god thats big compared to say, the syquest discs my mom had back when i lived at home. they were big, and they had to start for a long time, and they contained forty four megabytes. that so sick, that was the deal back then. they were probably expensive too. then came the zip drive which is actually not so bad, one hundred megabytes on a kind of decently sized disc. funny that the cd is not so much used any more, rewritable usb memories are the shit now, and small hard drives, and bigger external ones. pretty cool that no one can really predict how stuff like that will change. was it the usb standard that opened up for that whole market, or was i something else. i wonder. either way its great, i love that the whole computer thing has become so accessible and useful. you can actually just connect most stuff. i wonder why they dont just always put all drivers and program you need for say, a printer, inside the actual printer. just a little bit of memory in there, so the computer can pick up what it needs from there, those programs are so small anyway. it might be an economical issue, it would be so great, they would save making cds with the software at least. not my problem, or wait, yeah thats exactly what it is. its my problem, but if i dont buy their problem its their problem. but hey if one brand started doing it and made big thing out it, they would have a huge advantage, at least until the others would pick up. come on canon, brother and hp, hear me out. do it. i would like to build a really big bike. a huge fucking bike, just so big that you could almost ride it, almost but not quite. that would be funny. oh, like staffans record company he will start with his brother. it will be called not for sale. and no one can buy the records. just like it is anyway. the boxes of records will just be in the closet in their house, just like what is is anyway. people just dont buy stuff like that. but they would still place ads in papers and stuff. they arent going to give it away either. at least not to people who want it. i suggested that they mostly push for it and gyms and places like that. so nice. it will cost like eleven hundred euros to make the records, twelve inch vinyl. the highlight would be when they move, and somebody has to carry the boxes around. wow shellac is really good. now its the tnt cover of ac dc, so great, theyre the best rock band of all times. insanely good. they have such a total distance to what theyre doing, they just rock out, and if its not the best thing they ever made they dont seem to bothered. seems like those guys have been doing this for so long they just dont care any more, in a very healthy way. its funny that you can care so much about what you do that it goes all bad. i totally dont think that it has to happen, that skill and experience is ultimately bad. thats the biggest bullshit of all times, and only people who arent very good at what they do say that. of course people get lost in technique a lot of time, like bassplayers who slap, very common there. but of course like a musical education doesnt necessarily mean that you go anal and lose track, and stop listening in a good way, to what youre playing. niether does attending an artschool necessarily to that to you. things are different of course, but i cant see how a typographical education, or lots of experience could make someone a worse typographer. you just have to keep track of the gut feeling. it doesnt go away when you gain skill, no matter how you gain it. its a bit connected to inspiration. i dont really believe in inspiration. not in the sense its often talked about. like some godgiven ability that occurs sometimes. it think its a bit of hippie bullshit. you have good days and you have bad days no matter what it is you do. drawing is a pretty good example, some days you just have it right away. you can just dive right into it and it turns out great. no starting period, you dont have to warm up. other times you suck. you sit down and you just suck. if you stick to it, you will get to a point where it works again. its just a matter of where your state of mind is. its like that sometimes, when you go out to drink beer, you drink a few and you feel superbad. other times its the best, and it just works out. its no telling. three beers one day is not same another day. the same goes for something you think you need inspiration for. its funny, i just remember that it was this swedish artist, papa dee, who said this in an interview. so heres where he entered this book.he just said that he didnt believe in inspiration, he believed in work. i believe in work too. work leads to inspiration. like this piece of text. its just like developing a style or something. i start off now after my dinnerbreak, and just started writing nonsense, like, oh i dont know what to write now, and stuff emerges from that, i cant say i was really inspired to write then, but now im fine. i wish i could write music, or draw it. that another funny thing. when i hear something nice, or if i have a song in my head, often if im sitting down for some reason, to make notes in a class or something, i intuitively have the reflex to draw the melody. its very wierd, the moment when i realize it cant be done, not in any semi objective way even. like you can if your thinking about a word, or a geometric shape, which you can also have on your mind. the forum for audio doodling is humming i guess. thats a shame. i would like to do something else for a while now, but thats just not really possible, or of course it is, but i set my mind to do this and its the right thing to do, and i will stick with it. stick with it, a good motto. now i had again, i wanted to play along with shellac, with my letters. ok big moment now. a tortoise album i have never heard. i think its their first, i thought millions now living will never die that was the first, but this on came ninety four, and is just called tortoise. so i guess its earlier. well doesnt sound very promising so far, still nice to hear it. i recently started downloading using soulseek. hey this song is good. i got hold of so much i never knew was out there, stuff with my favourite bands. thats fantastic. thank you internet. thats at least something good about the filesharing thing, that you can get these obscure things that dont even sell for the bigger bands. still i think its horrible that the general idea is that music is from now on free. i mean, a recording that the band might in total pay ten thousand euros for, write songs for during a year and record during weeks or months, should be paid for. i dont even buy records any more, so i shouldnt be talking, but its really bad the way it is now. i wonder where it will end, how it will look twenty years from now. somewhere the bands must be able to make some money, not only through touring. making a recording in a good way can be very expensive and time consuming. i dont want to see it only reduced to a hobby, that you can not live on it. few people can do it as it is. and fewer will if nothing happens. of course music will always live on, and the whole internet thing has of course made it easier for small bands to reach out and tour and stuff. but the limit where you can live on it has moved up a whole lot. ten thousand free download doesnt pay your rent while you are in an expensive studio recording your next album. if you could copy lemons, the lemon farmers of the world would have to do it as a hobby, which they wouldnt, so they would stop. the same doesnt go for music, people will still make music no matter what. so are we to keep bands and musicians as little slaves, since we dont want to pay for what they make. even though we love what they do. that just doesnt make sense, thats like venues who dont pay bands, just since they know youll play anyway. also for designs and illustrations that applies, we kind of dump the market until people have the opinion they dont have to pay for it, that its something that grows on trees. maybe its because its automatically labelled as illustration or design, it is that even if it sucks. you get a design for free, or you pay for a design. some consumers just dont give shit guess. the funny thing though, is that often things that nobody loves generates shitloads of money, while things that people care a lot about seldom makes enough for a descent living. flaming lips are on now, tortoise was to introvert for now, wow i wonder if this is that record that that nicke, a guitarist i used to play with, brought to rehearsal once. i remember they used some keyboards in a really un cheezy way. could be this one. now i have decided, i will write until twelve, i have written for ten hours now, pretty straight. if i make it till twelve i will have written fourteen. thats cool enough, it will do for the lecture and its a decent start for the book. i dont believe any more that jack kerouac wrote on the road i what are they saying, one week. i mean just typing it would have taken i bit longer. on the other hand im no beatnick fanatic bohemian on amphetamine, or whatever was cool back then. im a white middleclass guy on a well know artschool. not as self made. so maybe he did then. i couldnt do it, but if your manic i guess you can. i wish i could turn on a manic button that would make me want to do this even more. oops, my neck starts to hurt now, or its more like this classic bad posture, no muscles, headache. the neck is actually fine. now im in my bed instead. this is actually driving me a little bit nuts i think. i feel a bit unnormal. i could really use a night in town soon. i havent been partying at all since ive been sick for five weeks now. that sucks, ive been trying a bit, since we had a party here, and one time i just flat out ignored it and tried to go partying anyway. didnt work. just got worse. usually you can scare it away by a booze session but not this time. ive been sleeping forever and eating well, not doing much at all, stayed away from work and all, but its still here, still has a firm grip around my balls. my balls should i write a story about them. no that would be, i dont know, i just dont get a good vibe from it. i can practise names, come up with really nice words that doesnt exist, like my friend martin would appreciate. lets go. blanian. sklerflat. orko. bellixariot. feffleroni. besst. floriangitack. horpon. hultresklogtor. nah, great names but it takes to long, its faster to just write straight up, this is about filling pages and seeing what comes out. nice method, thats what danny said. they also said something about that it went against the novel a bit, since there is no creator of the library in the novel, but for my book, there is. me. but something generated, the library. even if its not at all prominent in the story. in my book of course it is very prominent, it is all written in first person. i, me. all the time. but still there are other aspects of it that makes it make sense, they are pretty loose, as in most assignments right now. its funny, i cant really motivate it from the top of my head now, i need to sit down and write bit. wow that was funny. sit down and write huh, yeah lets do that for a change. of course i mean freshen up my
memory, or arguments. but im on track with it all. thats cool. so now i just need to do it all. i really really look forward to have this book finished. not because it is so much work writing it, but also because it will be so nice to just have it. i will read it a bit, now and then i think. it will be great to browse through it. ah, i should not read any part of it before the exhibition, so it is a book that no one has read. wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow, how cool is that. a book which no one has ever read. a read book but no person has ever read it. wow, what a fantastic thought. christ, so annoying not to have an exclamation mark now. at least i wrote wow a lot. i really have to keep from reading it, so i always only stay at the the frontline of the text. only at the edge of what exists. it has such a bigger value since i know it is for something, the exhibition and most of all, for the book itself. its also very nice that since i wont edit this at all, everything that i write will be included. what i see appears on the screen an will be printed in the book. its a thing ive been thinking about before. when you make something that will be duplicated a lot of times, or just a few times for that matter, i sometimes imagine all the copies laid out on a field or something, and every change i make on is instantly made on all of them instantly, simultaneously. when i used to illustrate for a newspaper, i mostly drawed, and then i had to stop thinking about it, it was just too cool. i knew it went out in fifty thousand copies. so i was making fifty thousand drawings at once. also, imagine all the places a record cover ends up. all the bookshelves shopshelves, shopwindos, the hands of people and all that. then image that the changes you make are made right there. like in back to the future, the movie, where michael j. fox is trying to set things right in time to prevent himself from disappearing. i think its because he messed up so his parents might never meet or something. he has a photo of his family,and he can see himself fading away. exactly like that, but faster, is how i imagine it. my computer screen is sometimes fifty thousand newspaper pages. my childhood friend david fallmar, who saw back to the future before i did, explained it to me when i asked what the movie was about. he said, very pedagogicly, well, its about a guy who goes back...to the future. another really amazing conversation we had was about europes number one hit the final countdown. a friend of his had told him what the title meant, and we didnt believe it for a second. what, the final countdown, thats really lame, it must mean something like...and then we went on dropping the coolest title we could imagine. i have no recollection of what that was, when i die i will try to see that episode if my life will flash before my eyes. i do think though that i said something about the heros..something. something with a hero of course, i probably he man in mind. as i always did back then. one guy once asked me who my idols were, his was europe, i said masters of the universe. he was frustrated because it was clearly a wrong answer, an idol was something else, had to be a band or an actor or something, but he couldnt put it into words. funny that it has to be like that, cant a something else be your idol, like, horses in general. or like, bread. maybe you admire coffee and want to be like coffee. why not, you just have to have something that represents some values or positive effects, so a cup of coffee should do. if you are an entertainer, then you might admire ice cream, or chocolate, since it is such a commonly loved dessert, a little pleasure. so if someone would ask robbie williams or frank sinatra what their idols are, i think they would be well within reason to answer cake.

then where does that leave me. what should i admire. what do i want to do. i dont know, to entertain a bit too. thats for sure, i dont know though, i just have a feeling as answer to that. its not really about what i want to do, it s more about what i love to do. what i love to deal with. right now im so into what my lecture is about. its so nice that people do all those great things. i full on, straight out, love it. i think mikaela is going to bed now, shes brushing her teeth now. its ten minutes to ten. thats pretty early i must say. when did i go to bed at that time. wow, maybe now when i was sick actually. other than that, when i was ten maybe. ok, now what, how many times have i written that. i just realized that i will not write in this book tomorrow. it will all be dots, i dont like that. it will fill up one page per hour almost. that sucks, so it will be like thirty pages with dots, if i write a bit during breaks at school on tuesday, which i will gladly do. sit down in school and write away. ill do it during lunch for sure. nothing wierd about that. i love these getting form a to b type of thing i tent to make for myself. its so easy to get something done. you just start and stop. the nieghboor kid is crying and screaming his guts out again, i really cant take that, i almost fucking panic when stuff like that goes on for to long. if i ever cried like that something was seriously messed up, i hope its not like that up there, but seriously, it sounds like hes being raped or something. i put the flaming lips back on. not bad for being indie as steve in beverly hills said when they played at the peach pit. steve is sharp. he can be my idol. ok so when i wake up tomorrow i will, what. i should go to a construction warehouse as early as i can, just to buy the stuff for lindas assignment. ill go the the balloon shop to buy a black balloon, and to the foam store to buy something squareish. and get some kind of rope. then back home, have a serious look at rethorics. i really dont even have a script yet. and i need to draw more for rene. and fix the shop stuff. it can be done if im sharp with it. if im smart i cancel the shopmeeting and do it on friday instead. so i can do it thursday evening. that would work. i need to get well soon so can do all this. ya ya, it will be fine. it always is. ive become so much more relaxed about deadlines, i guess i just lost respect fro them, since a had so many in my life, almost every day. and a lot of times it totally didnt matter whether or not i busted my balls to make it. so many times that ive went through fire to make it, to send it to a printer in time since some band or club was late with sending me the info or some other beyond lame reason. and then i get a call a week later about some minor stupid change, like another logo, or the order of names or something. so i guess i just learned that deadlines are almost never deadlines. for a lecture, like on wednesday its of course different, if i havent got my shit together of pretty fucked. so thats definitely a real one. but most other things are bullshit. the thing is that i like to keep deadlines though, but im trying to get stuff in proportion. i just dont want to work for free and get pushed around. that pretty basic and not to much to ask. wow, when i look at all these letter they are just lines. but its so cool that its actually something more than if i do something very similar, like this. akjof oaewofk oakfap. akskgeo so mao aoajh. thats just signs, but this is code that tells something. so cool, i feel wierd now, im getting into just looking at the amount of text. not looking at it as text, not reading it, but just looking at it as a mass of code, and of effort. its like putting up domino bricks, but without the falling. writing is very steady domino. domino and glue that all a writer needs. its a composition. and its so much. so much of nothing mixed with something. nothing mixed with something. thats nice, very much relating to the novel. indeed. why do french people day indeed a lot. its a pretty advance expression i feel, but in general french people are pretty bad a english. so it must be a similar expression in french. ok now i have written for twelve hours and im losing speed. its just a waste of time pursue this more today. i wrote for more than twelve hours with pause only for food and hygiene.

big break, had the lecture and all other stuff i had to have. it all went fine, except my health, thats not going so well. im still fucked, better butt its really two steps forward and one step back. my cough was on its way down my lungs again. so i had to skip a class and sleep really long yesterday, so now im taking two steps forward again. one day i will be fine gain, im thinking christmas. maybe by then i can go out again. i really cant go out and get wasted in this state. then i would get really bad again. its pretty ok that part, anyway. i dont even feel like it, i just want to sleep and relax. i do want to work though, im really into that now. it actually started a bit with this book. it set me off in good direction. im even relaxed about my work, which i rarely am. so thats cool. if i were on top of my health i would be having a pretty nice time, now its still i bit of a struggle. ah well whatever. im still waiting for reply on weather or not rene sg wants to do the unger show. if they dont, i think ill do something on my own. like just play some songs on my own. maybe with the old matrix printer plan i had. to have the printer play lead drums by writing an image. or write happy birthday mr unger, with my guitar typeface. it will work out. im tired now, as soon as brita and robin comes back from bying coffee ill go home. im biking today, hope i dont have to pay for that. ill just bike slowly and breath through my tongue, i form it as a pipe, a tube and then i passes a longer way on the way to my throat, and it is warmer. so i dont cough so bad. the nose is also good. kristoffer west in the first year, told me that its an old asthma trick, breathing through the nose. longer way, warmer air. warmer air, less cough. less cough, better health. better health more chicks. more chicks more kids. more kids more passed on genes. the ultimate goal. yes. so i will continue to breath through my pipetounge.

now staffan has guests here. they are talking about how crazy the dutch food habits are. hagelslag, the little candy, chocolate flakes they put on superwhite bread and call lunch. my god that doesnt even qualify as dessert in my book. exactly, in this book. i just had one beer, and a pizza. thats not very good as food either. oh i forgot, some funny stuff happened a few hours ago. i called upc about the bills and that i want them to turn on the internet here again. they told me that there were actually two bills, and i only paid one. i got really pissed off with the whole situation. especially since the call to them cost me twenty euros in calling credit. the call was inrerrupted in the end. so i threw my phone on the table, being pissed off and angry. then it broke. didnt work again. so i went directly to the post office and made a so called urgent payment so it will be turned on as soon as possible. it cost extra and stuff. pissed off and with no phone i went wowowowowowo good news right now. the internet is turned on again, i cant believe it. so good, now my flatmates wont suffer because of my lameness any more. i really need an exclamation mark now i i i i m m m m s s s of of of of h h h h a a a p p p y y y n n n of of of w w w. in the middle of this story aswell. wow. the urgent payment really was worth it. what a relief. anyway, i went directly after that to buy a new phone. i went straight in to a shop and asked for the cheapest phone that could take my hi kpn prepaid card. fifty euros for a pretty ugly phone. then to make me feel better i bought an mpthreeplayer. i shouldnt really have an fancy phone with camera and player anyway, i just lose and break stuff. and now the internet is on. so great, im off the hook. now i will send joel the internet is on again. wow.

the sun is shining. i write from feeling of duty now. dont really want to, but hey, right in the middle of this sentence it kind of kicked in, i like it now. its fun again. that went fast. staffan is still sleeping, even though its almost twelve. mikaela and joel are way better at getting up than staffan and me, we are bums. they are workers. we are slackers. yesterday i felt like such a super slacker. if you dont get up and shower and have have breakfast in a row, but spread it out through the day, the day is kind of fucked. at least if its becoming a habit. and since i have been sick for so long it is definitely a habit. i used to sleep until noon, wake up, try to eat, watch a movie, and fall asleep again. wake up at five. try do do at least s of m e t h i n g, and then go to sleep at ten or eleven. today i will have class though. yesterday i was totally crawling out of my own skin from being under stimulated. i was at home all day drawing for the bookreview assignment we have for rene. so i got totally claustrophobic inside this flat. i had to take shower and clean up a bit, and then i found a very nice thing to do. i taped up a football goal on my wall, just a small one, with the tape we got at reala. and i used one of the foam cubes that i bought for lindas assignment, as a football. now i can score whenever i want to. i was also playing ramonescovers load on my guitar while i was kicking and singing. i need to film that. the drawings i made yesterday was really nice, brush and ink is the shit. you get so much for free, compared to a marker or something. its i cliche but its really so much more alive. it of course depends on what you want to do, but brush and ink on bottle is really really nice to use. its a bit sloppy sometimes and being super precise is just not the deal. but again, you get so much for free, you kind of work together with something, like riding a horse compared to climbing a ladder. there is of course a usable charm in markers and more stiff stuff, and its all about what you aim for. i wonder why i think like this, how much is about pure aesthetics, and how much is about connotations with handcraft and stuff. how many great superskilled fantastically cool drawings have i seen made with a brush, compared to a marker. the answer is probably that nothing is ever about pure aesthetics. taste cannot be born in a cultural vacuum. it has to come from something, some preference, habit, good versus bad experiences of something. a collective memory of thing that are good for you in some way, a huge set of tools, small pieces of decoding skills, that form the judgement if something is nice or not. i do however think there is a sense of beauty that we are born with. but that also comes from something. we have an instinct to like other human bodies for instance. and like, healthy nature. things that are cozy, are often also pretty safe. like a little hiding spot. and people that are beautiful are often healthy and strong. well nowadays that has changed a bit since we are so far from nature, the cultural heritage, and social skills and position are so much more important than having a strong healthy body. if you are weak in todays human habitats you dont get eaten. if you are a bit stupid, you wont die either, but you wont be very successful, perhaps. at least its less likely that you will have a fancy job. i wonder how it was when we were cavemen. how was the position of the geeks then. did they come up with really god ways of finding fruit and got respected because of that, yeah i guess that part has not changed so much. except that you dont die as easily today, so thats not really a big problem. its way easier to avoid nowadays. hm, if that nextdoor kid doesnt stop screaming for no reason in the staircase he will have a problem though. i should go wake staffan up, maybe he is hung over or something. maybe i can go in and throw stuff at him, so he gets a cheerful awakening. or do something utterly annoying. like, ah now i know. i will film while i throw my foam cubes on him. wha ha. what a success. very funny, and i filmed it too. two cubes and a balloon. foam and balloons are really the best ever. such nice unreal light materials. they can go huge and still not be heavy, so cool. seal throwing, new sport by staffan. but it was no seal, it was the little cute knuffel kat that karin made for me. staffan says the best summer camp he has ever been to was the arbeit macht frei campo back in fortyfive. some many nice memories from there. i have the impression im writing faster that before. maybe it makes sense, practise makes skill. skill makes lust for more practise. lust for more practise makes frei. oi oi, now im going off the road a bit. but i have hundreds of pages to fuckaround with so it really doesnt matter. today i will be a model. for karins photos shes making for the exhibition she has on friday. im so glad for her that shes doing stuff like that, i also look forward to when she has dresses in the shop, and then when people buy them, she will be happy. and make more clothes, and since they are fantastic the will sell really well, and she will be rich and support me and i can be at home all day and draw. then i will put up all the drawings in my window, people will pass by and see them, come in and ask who made these fantastic drawings and want to buy them. i will sell them for a small sum in the beginning, then i will sell them more expensive and in the end get rich. and support karin, so she can get even more famous. then we can take on some other poor fucker that needs help to stardom, and it will go on like this until everybody we like is famous and rich. there really is no limit to how far we can take this. we can put a friend in all the top political places, and then it will all be fine. no more wars, and since there will be no more wars there will be no need for the army. so then all that crazy infinite money that goes into the armies of the world will be redirected to other, useful, stuff. things that will actually do something good for humans. instead of doing something bad for humans. first of all. it will be pumped into the environmental issue. thats the first thing. then i dont know. starvation. then something else, and in the end we will all be happy. its all a plan. so as soon as karins show is done we will get on with saving the world.
control s is my most important thing to press right now, when im writing this. i have made a backup file in another program aswell. just so i cant mess this up beyond the limit of recovery....................now i have a fresh backup again. i saw a really fat hard drive in the ads today. fivehundred gigabytes for one hundred and seventy five euros. that will last me a long time. joel is nervous everyday for my files in my old hard drive. hes afraid it will break, and then i for sure will be fucked. i really dont want to even think about how bad that would be. i will buy one of those big ones tomorrow. really. i like to buy stuff like that, i get off on it. its my fetish, electronic gadgets. woa, i love them. i have to go for a jobbie now. thats scottish slang for having a dump. now im back. i just got an email about a file i need to send to sweden. its stuff i made for a club in sweden, and its going to be printed in some magazine, so thats nice. its a very nice profile i did for them. lots of funny bears that are playing instruments and fooling around. theyre not to cute, they are completely black and are made out of torn papers the i scanned and vectorized, i think it looks great. on of the nicest things i made so far. it didnt take an insane amount of time either, like most other things i get into. so that convenient too. i have to put that up on the web site aswell. the things that are missing there as of now are, lets see. that job, the stuff for kung henry, thats two twelve inch vinyls, which both are really nice, especially the one where i was writing with food on my scanner. and then some schoolstuff i guess, but those usually pretty hard to put up, since they need more explanation and are not like, an object. but the at camp a in i did with linn can easily go up there. and eventually this book aswell. thats nice, i think i will make it downloadable, and if i have the possibility i will make a few copies with print on demand and sell there too. i want someone to read this someday. this can be the next anne frank diary. except that im not dying, i think. and im not in the middle of an significant historical event. hey that sucks, i have never been close to a historically significant event. i guess thats because i have lived in sweden. we are pretty sorted out, and dont fuss around with world domination and stuff like that. staffan bought breakfast. he made the best sandwiches ever. so nice. oh, how nice. heel moi ontbeit. the other day i tried to speak dutch the whole day with karin. i have to stop pretty soon, but it kind of worked, i just need to learn more words, but the grammar and stuff is there. i just cant say words like because, they are missing. so i need to learn more of them. by talking, thats the only way, if i dont do that i will never come across them in a way that i pick them up. i could do it now, im sure. blipp blipp. my computer has a nice sound to it. its ugly but works, it has served me well these last two years. a real hero. yes thats how it is. how about coffee, oops he forgot to buy that, but thats cool, i shouldnt drink that crap anyway. its just like snus or cigaretts for me. i just want something. i dont really have a drawing for something specific like coffee, i just want something to go on. something thats happening. something that is a little friend something passive to do, kind of. snus is perfect in to that way, you dont do anything buts its something anyway. like videogames, thats the ultimate relaxation in away. i figured out why i think that. its the same thing, its a l m of s t doing something. not really, but almost. you are doing something, you are solving an amusing problem, just like the mind wants it. but its only fun, there is no real pressure. unless you are in it way way more that you should. so you dont really get stressed from being inactive, passive and lazy. ok thats not really true, i get stressed after some time, but it beats just sitting around by far. i should get a nice computer game, or actually no, i shouldnt, im perfectly happy without one. i have gotten used to not having a tv for instance, i use my time in a better way now. there is no problem to be without tv once you have gotten past the first month or so. and, just like the cliche, i actually read books instead, or work, most of the time. but the unhealthy work tempo at school has taken its toll with me now for sure. i dont romanticise over it as much any more. hard work, sure, but im sick of it. i want it to be less of a pain in the ass. i want it to be like, i think of the stuff i have to work for, lose respect of it, come up with an idea, and generate the form. and it goes fast. thats nice working. maybe its also like bands who have been playing together for a really long time, or just people who have played for a long time. the know the deal so well that rehearsing every day is just past them, the dont have to work as hard any more to keep up the basics. once you have come that far you have the basis to do it. you dont need to practice as much with the fundaments, you can focus on the level over it. its like taking tens steps back from a painting, and being able to see the whole picture and be able to move around stuff, instead of standing with your nose on the canvas trying to mix green. maybe im getting there, the form is not a problem any more, i can come up with it once ive chosen a direction. before the form was the direction, thats interesting. back then it was all a blur, one big unit of something. while now when i think about it, i see it as different parts and different tasks. its way more easy now. still, something i feel now, maybe its just now, but i dont have the patience any more, i think its only natural, but i feel a bit disillusioned in some way. its still magic, the whole thing of visuals and content and blah balh, but i dont feel like staying inside a project for very long, and i dont really feel good about starting a new one. its probably not wierd at all, but i dont like it. there is just so much that goes into projects, so much work that you dont get back somehow. its ungrateful in a way. working on the details create an overall impression and ever if you dont really see it you feel it. but who does that in the end. other designers maybe. its a really old question and i still believe in working stuff out in a careful way, all the way to the end. but, shit, im sick of it. if it doesnt come naturally i dont want to struggle with it until it does. have i become lazy, no i dont think so, ive just become reasonable. i trust that i do the right thing most of the time. and if i dont, nobody dies, since i stopped giving too much of a shit i dont think ive done worse stuff. a big thing for me was now that i was ill, nothing really happened, this semester we have longer projects and that saved my ass a bit, but even still, i think my image of a disaster was that my projects wouldnt be super amazing, not that they would suck. i try hard not to make stuff that i find average myself, and that is good. but i have to realize that the world doesnt blow up in my face if i dont manage. its not like one really shitty project will pollute my whole lifes work.

karin told me i have to watch americas next top model if i stay here for dinner. but now i just told here its not americas next top model, its britains net top model. we just watched a movie on the internet of a poor girl sitting in the bubble pool, jacuzzi, with her friends. then she farts, she thinks, but its actually shit. she has diarrea. how horrible for her, her friends run out on the pool, and my god. its on the internet. if i heard about it, so many people must have seen it by now. hair gel for cats, wonder if that exists, hello karin. hello. she is looking at the text now. now she stopped. shellac is on her stereo now. at action park. really low. i can hardly hear it, but its nice that its on a proper stereo for once. i would so much like to have a good one in my house. like a really good one. maybe i should become an audiophile and start nerding around with it. expensive habit. but i have started to hear new layers, instruments in songs that i never heard before, when i listen on headphones. i borrowed joels, and really, there is stuff you miss, not just sound quality, but whole objects, intruments. thats just not good enough, it will have to stop. like a lot of things. or actually i have the feeling a lot of things have to start. they have to be replaced then i guess. something stops and in its place something new starts. a change. i have started to feel pretty down, autumn semesters have been bad for me before, but this one is really shitty in a wierd way. i was sick so long and that really got me off track, i wasnt really on it before and now i just dont know where the hell i am. i dont feel strong mentally or physically, and i really dont feel like working, and i really cant stand not working. i just dont know where the hell to go. i have become such a lame guy, i get up late, i forget to brush my teeth since i have breakfast so fucking late. if a class is in the morning i am late, even though i really try to force myself to try to make it. i dont really know where my assignments are going any more, since i dont care. i kind of do it on routine, which is crap. maybe i have actually worn myself out so bad that i cant keep going. its not surprising if its like that. ive been spending more energy than i have for so many years now. not all the time but in general i definitely have been running for twohundred percent. also in an escalating way, and at the rietveld of course it has continued. i dont need a vacation, thats not at all what i need, i just need to have a descent everyday situation. i cant have this deadline chasing going on a l l the time. every day of the week. all the time. its like no matter how hard i work its not sufficient anyway, so i kind of stopped completely. thats how it feels right now. ok its winter, and ive been sick like shit, but im also tired of excuses like that. i just feel i want out. to be left the fuck alone. space and blah balh. i feel cynical and fed up. i dont give a shit about concepts and ideas and beauty. i would like to be on tour with a band right now. that would be ok. kind of the only thing that would work right now. i would like to be on tour with a destructive disgusting band and be distant and disillusioned about it. i dont feel bitter at least, that good, since thats such a pathetic feeling. i just want to be left alone until this turns. music works right now though. but nothing else really. like my assignment for rene. i got into it by defining a reason that made sense to drawing freely, and just use my moves i picked up along the way. but now im so fed up with the shallowness of just drawing. so i have to get back to thinking about how to show more than just my drawings. i have to show more. as it is im just excluding people from what i want to show. its generous in a naive stupid way, but fuck it, if i have something to say i should just say it. somethimes i feel that if i have something to say why dont i just fucking say it, instead of trying to communicate it through a design or a piece of art. just talk to people. just say it. i often think its just beating around the bush. there is no real place for logic when i feel like this. i know why you make a design instead, there are many good reasons. and that it is telling people. but when you are fed up like this everything just sucks, even if i recognize something as a good idea or angle, i still feel that i hate good ideas and angles. i dont want to any more. give me a break. i want to start over. im so done with a lot of things. fed up with struggling. i just want to get up from drowning in the mud to walking straight up. maybe im thinking about design as a way of telling people in a different way, when its actually telling it straight up. i just have something to say. to point out, and then if its clear to me, i should be able to just get it out in the clearest way possible. maybe i have to skip my drawings for that book. i just have a page full of text where i describe what i think and what i have worked with. why not. why does everything have to be so fucking unclear to be good design. why cant i have this very obvious way of telling something. if the strength of what i say is in what i say, not how i say it, then i should be able to just go for fucks sake. rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant. blah, i feel arrogant to, i feel inferior and superior. i feel misunderstood in a way that i seem better than i am. some people seem so sure of their desicions, and that makes the desicion good, that they follow it through and doesnt veer away from it halfway since they doubt it. i dont know itf i do that. last class with linda i was completely lost. i have the feeling she trusts my idea more than i do, which is wierd. i hope it will turn out nice, and i think i it will. but then i have to just do it. and right now everything is such a bloody effort. it would be great to book the photo studio at school, but im also not up for dealing with the process of convincing them to let me use it. i hate the dutch way of being an authority, being really grumpy and look at you like you are a total idiot for asking them to do their job. why did the photo guy tell me it was impossible and out of the question to book the photo studio, just to tell how how to do it immediately when i was surprised and disappointed. is he a fucking vampire that feeds on inflicting insecurity in people he is supposed to help. does he enjoy being an ass in a little way, that he can get away with, without a big thing. why is it important to let me think for a second that i have a problem. so that he can pretend he solved it, is it then to pretend he is a nice guy, isnt it way easier to just be a nice guy then. maybe he is. i get this whole its not my problem type of attitude so much here from people who work at places. there is definitely a meaner culture of helpdesks and stuff like that here. it iiisss your fucking problem if you are hired to help me. and if it isnt ,will it kill you to try to help me anyway, or tell me nicely you cant do it, or something else descent. like the woman in the reception at school, my god. one day someone will punch her i swear. i avoid her now so it wont be me.
now i feel, better. i but an old evil superstar record that karin has. and my jeans are finally dry, so i feel less like a bum when i dont have karins training trousers on. and i got up and changed the records, so it cleared my head a bit. now she might be coming back, i heard someone in the stair. dommel the cat probably knows, he doesnt react much now, so its probably not her. he is sitting nicely on a chair right now. he really is fat, im pretty sure hes become bigger since i met karin. i have been writing for a little more than hour now. like seventy minutes, now karin is coming, i can tell on dommel. here she is, she look good.

she bought cough medicine, the stuff that makes you slime easier to cough up. probably good for me ,since i think i still have that a bit ,it comes and goes but it cant hurt. natterman, thats the brand. funny if somebody would google for example natterman, and then end up on my site of i put this up there. if it happened i say hello. i have no info on natterman, yet, i havent tried it. i will now though so it wont be a total disappointed for if its like this now. it doesnt taste supergood or anything, but its totally ok. doesnt taste much at all. now dommel wants food again. karin will vacuum the flat now, i will feel in the way then, hope she doesnt feel that way. i moved to her bed now so i wouldnt be in the way when she vacuums the sofa. i like her bed. its hard to write now when im also socializing a bit, hanging out and writing is not an easy combination. but it kind of work since its not such an consistent book anyway. whatever i choose to write is fine so i can just keep pressing letters actually, maybe i should do that a bit, or is that cheating, its not cheating but boring and obvious and without any real point. or does it have a point in it being one hundred percent nonsense. i will try and see.hjfikoepewåwådkfgj fkfdpmndlke dodnd dpn alo nvko k ao pa pa ap papam p p dmd m i n go gogpg. papadam. kloss kotte framfart bakom hundra. very nice. nah, doesnt really work, i just emphasise that i can do whatever i want inside this text. so if i once again created a forum within which i can do what i want, this time with writing a text, what should i be using it for. since i really have he time to write. or will have to make time to write. hmm. just what í am doing i guess. or is there something, like a subject i could be dealing with for a whole book. or a more interesting question, what am i already dealing with in this book. what is the subject. automatic writing, line of thought. but thats so extremely wide. if i look into the subjects i have been paying attention to in this book what does it come down to. my head. me. its funny, that when i move my head to karins place, i wrote about different stuff. which means i have to try to write in more different places, cafes and stuff like that. for a train trip or something it would be perfect, since its killing time even if that is not the purpose at all. killing time is a stupid thing and saying. why would you want to kill time, its pretty precious. you shouldnt kill it. sop what is killing time. making it feel like it goes faster, so what makes it feel like it goes faster then. having some type of easy fun, or distraction. to make you forget about time i guess. well actually this doesnt really help me forget about time, im very much aware bout time when i write this, how long have i written, how long can i continue doing this, before i have to go somewhere. today i dont have to go anywhere but home at some point, karin has to go to work at that exhibition shes a part of, thats at eight, so then i will leave to i guess. go home and work some more. maybe with renes assignment. i can start with formulating what my intentions were, what my concept and research is about, basically how i motivated to draw freely, and why it doesnt work. now im sitting next to karin and shes reading a newspaper, im writing, so it could be that i was writing her paper, like when you see two people talking in cell phones, and it look like theyre talking to each other but its very unlikely, but it kind of looks like it anyway. i have decided to keep on writing until the whole screen is filled with text. which i in five lines, the lines are as long as my screen, its a pretty bigscreen for being a laptop. so it will take a while. im getting fucking claustrophobic here. its freezing and no music. two thing that i cant really handle right now. but i guess cold houses are nice for dutch people. i should go home and work later, on what. jeniferever need stuff as always. i will start on that right after i finish filling the screen with text. which is in three lines from now kind of. its the web site for them and the italian cd version. they probably need it pretty soon. as always, and ai havent done it for a long time now since i have school and have been super sick. but now im actually in it so its not very long left now until they can have it. i feel kind of jammed, since there are some many things that need my attention that i cant really get on with any of them. lie a birdmother. with lots of mouths to feed. you could say its my own choice and it it of course, but its very hard to control. it easily gets out of hand depending on timing and stuff. if two thing has to happen at the exact same time it usually fucks up. and im so tired of that. especially today. now i will will only write this line to the end an then i will stop, and thats now.

right now im scanning a cucumber. it will be a tattoo on my left arm. i dont completely support the idea, but what the hell. i do support not supporting the idea behind the tattoo you make. i believe in not taking yourself too seriously, joking with yourself, not taking it serious at all, with the right things of course. you cant hurt people of course, you have to take other people serious but not yourself maybe. ah, that sounds self diminishing. now it its scanned, and i can eat it. i will do it straight off, for breakfast, i will just start on one spot and eat the whole thing. mmm. i love cucumber. thats why im making one on my arm. am i really doing that. shit. thats crazy, but i was in love with cucumber when i was a kid, and i still think its the best food ever. its always been about consistency for me, dont know if that means the right thing in english, but i mean the feel of it, the density, the resistance when you bite it. crispy, and not sloppy. my sister was into tomato, i was into cucumber. i still think tomato is a fucking redicilous vegetable. its kind of like tea. tastes to little, like lemonade you blend yourself and put too little in the water. redicilous. not that cucumber tastes a whole lot, but its not sloppy, and doesnt go all over the place when you bite it, or cut it. and they make good tattooes. i hope.

i finally got the foam a made, i still have to find a way to paint it, but its halfway there now. i cut it at the shop together with the weird woman who works there. it was pretty difficult, but not as difficult of finding out about how to buy the shit and all that. it looked like it was going to be a really wobbly thin, expensive lower case a, but at the last moment she found a thick piece of bad foam, that was perfect for me, and actually half the price, i dont get why she didnt think of that type of foam from the start. it was pretty clear that all i needed was size. well, in the end it turned out to be big enough and sturdy enough, so im all cool now. its not very smooth in the curves, and it has to be painted, but its getting there. i tried with some spraypaint, and sure, like she said, it cracks when you bend it, but its reasonably ok, it wont bend that much anyway. now my cucumber is almost eaten. when it stands it bends a bit automatically, but ill paint it in that position so it should be cool. for my sake it only has to look good for like one day, but of course it needs to be ok for a while to be any nice at all, if its obvious that you cant keep i very long it no fun. but as said its on track, i will go buy more spraypaint on may way to monicas place, where i go to talk about her invitations for her exhibition. i think that will be nice. its the exhibition that staffan is helping her a lot with, and they are making a rainbow machine, and an acoustic drummachine called satan. and some other stuff, mostly regarding black metal. hey black metal aesthetics would be super funny to get to deal with graphically. but i dont think she wants that, she has been talking about pink metal. instead of black metal. we will see. after that i will go to rehearse with rene sg, for the gerard tribute on friday, where the foam lower case a will also be given to him. so im pretty much involved in that, which i saw coming but kind of saw as a joke, i dont really think they were serious about it, but here it is and now its on. that part should be fine, i just have to buy bass strings. so what i need to think about for friday is, buy bass strings, buy spraypaint, buy glue for the a, fix the a, pick up the pa on friday, play and get the hell out of there before i have to give a speech or something. i dont want to be the one to hand it over, maybe i can just carry it in, when somebody is talking about it. i dont know. we will see about it all. i think i have to skip lindas class tomorrow to make this work timewise, but i think she will be cool with that. the photo shoot that i planned to have here at home today is not going to happen anyway, i should have arranged i tripod and a fat camera before. i have the props, and fixed the backdrop, so thats fine, but a tripod is superessential, and before the light is gone its not enough time. my syntax is way out of line nowadays, i just dont give a shit about how i put the words in order. we can go there maybe, hopeful see you there. i just throw in the words i need in a sentence and dont care in what spot they end up. there is an order sir. remember that. i lost my wallet yesterday and i dont even really want to write about it because it gets me so insanely angry in a destructive depressive way. i cant handle stuff like that. i just lost it out of my pocket since i was biking with a lot of stuff. in the rain i might add. i take it personal , nature. so now i have no visa card and no abn amro card. no money access any more. until christmas. very nice. fanfuckingtastic. alstufuckingblieft. but a few days ago i actually thought about it and removed all the stuff from it, except the two bankcards. so i lost nothing else. if no one had time to use them online before i blocked them it is fine. i know the visa card is ok, so one stole my money there, but on the dutch one, i dont know. i will be so pissed off if that happened. cucumber, my first love i think i will switch on the radio now and see if stuff can seep into this book that way. of course it can. ok now p three is on, form the swedish radio. hm, what is this. i put on their rock channel, rockster, silly name, and of course there is some metal on, the singer sounds like the guy from earth crisis. but the didnt say who it was in the end. too bad, it was ok for being metal, now there is some pop on instead, i have no idea what it is. sound pretty produced, but im not going to judge it even if it sounds like maroon five. i mean they are also a band, and if thy werent so huge and triyng to make it big in the mainstream aswell, purists would also accept them, but but. this sucks thats all i have to say about it. lame and not my cup of tea. hm a cup of tea would be nice. but this radiothing has to go. its really in the way. hey it says on the website what is is of course. the metalthing was incubus and this is anti flag. oj, radio really is annoying. advertisements have no place on radio i think. ok, shallow skatepunk on the radio. coheed and cambria. usch, so bad. i cant believe anybody thinks this sounds more real than lets say, maroon five or something like this. these guys are just, ah no, i dont want to get into that discussion. you can also see it in a way that the fact that they are having a band and working hard on that is good in itself, even if i hate the way it sounds, i still like that they do it. sweet, isnt that name already taken by some seventeen slick yes, toto type of band or something. oj, this is really really bad. why does it all just sound like like like like me, like me, please like me. id rather listen to something outspokenly mainstream and produced to sell, and be easy to consume. p three svea. some hip hop, actually way more interesting, hm a channel from the southern parts of sweden, skane, arrgghh, this is horrrrrible. its so bad. and oh no, now there is of course reggea. ahh shhhit i cant believe how bad this is. plastic. no now the radio went, out the window, lots just way too harsh this world. ill stay inside my own choice. i cant really focus on writing right now. i have this feeling that i really should be doing something else, that im all late. which is actually true in every sense. but i am working and that should be enough, im getting forward, just in another order. i have two weeks left in school. then its the beordeling. not much to show, since we only had five assignments, but i did them all, and i did them ok. not super, but ok. they are not better than assignments made in a shorter time, but that probably also me, this semester was so wierd, and i lost a very long time being sick. now im pretty ok again, thank god. im getting better all the time, even if im still not completely well. i want peace and quiet. and i pretty much have it. so what is missing. strenght perhaps. how do you get that. not through resting. not through working. not through struggling and learning. i just feel so drained. going to buy fucking spraypaint feels like a huge thing to do. shit. i wish i could write faster so this book would be finished some day. its just so crazy long. its way too long. too long to write. actually im not writing it, im generating it. im the generator of this book. im producing it, not writing it. there is a difference, at least for me now in my head. since i dont care what goes into it, as long as, yeah as long as what. as ling as it makes sense. no. as long as its written by me. yes. and ... i guess it has to make some sense. its the live thing. i dont need to know this right now. i only have one task with this, to write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write. was that cheating. i dont know. do i not know any more, or did i never know. is it even possible to know. i dont know. but it felt good. and bad. see how messed up this book makes me. its crazy. its like a very slow conversation with an idiot. myself that is. im not an idiot, i just write to much. no i generate too much. its wierd this feels like some truth. what is that supposed to mean. i generate too much. its sounds true. if i was drunk or high or just crazy for real i would probably write it down superbig and live my life by it. the world is shrinking when i get into writing like this. this is meditation. im in the middle of a good writing moment now. its claustrophobic in a nice comforting non rational way. i dont know anything right now. i, under hypnotising im trying to hypnotize myself by writing and not reading any of i. im locked into the last letter of the text now its thins one. now its this one. it used to be this one but now its this one. i cant write that one since then its not true. since now, its not true that that one was the last. if i wasnt so swedish i would take some drug and sit here and type for as long as it is needed. should i do that. you shouldnt take yourself to serious. or is that too beatnik. is that just posing. no it would make sense. i want to stay in the mood im slipping out of now. i want to be in this tiny little world where nothing counts, rather than out here. maybe i can fix this. turning out the lights, so i want it to be like sleeping, but writing. why do i like it when nothing counts, afraid of failure. but failure, come on. why is that so important. but i really think it is horrible to fail. but you have to fail something to do something. if you fail to control your temper, you dont fail in getting angry. if you manage to keep your temper, you fail in getting mad. that is my problem. this is embarrassing, i hope no one reads, this but thats not true either. i know someone will read this. at some point. nevermind. i know it and i dont know it. it has to not count. i think failing is when you dont do something amazingly well. a half bad show is a bad show. a very good show is a half great show. no thats not true either. im very selfrighteous often. i like myself too much, and think im wrong all the time. or i think im wrong, and i get pissed of because i know its not like that. i cant concentrate and that pissed me off, i have some knots to untie, all over the place. i just need to get pissed of at the right moment a lot more. if its not fine with me its not fine with me. but then i wouldnt be me. balh blah. this turned into a very nice passage, good piece of text, i will step out of it now. i want to just stare a bit, and push some keys. like of do not, and now. and now and now and now and now. you can generate music this way, aswell as text. if i write come on. come on. come on. come on. come on. come i. come on. come in. perfect drum roll. two steps forward one step back. how about two steps forward and thats it.

that was just such a good ending i had to keep it. it was fake but all that matters is that i generate. the generator. the generator of this book. like the generator of the library. something generated it. some type of creator, a god. im god over this book. but im just a piece in the puzzle, like everybody else, the difference is that i know it. i have this dual thing. i think i dont get a shit about anything and i think i know it all. i know some. but thats not good enough, i need to be a superhero, and i cant, so i think i know nothing. this is if i look at it strictly. cant i just be pretty good. but then thats such an insecure position. its like having some money, if you have a huge crazy amount, you are pretty safe, and if you have absolutely nothing, you know exactly where you are, at least. its hard to judge if you are in the middle. and thats where i am, and everybody else too. we are in the middle, i think. i think i look great and i think im ugly at the exact same time. this is a pathetic subject and its very insightful. its lame and its strong. it will probably come across as some spoiled weak white kids lame immature thoughts about growing up. im twenty seven. i have grown up already. or you never do, growing up, what is that anyway. i could also tattoo pretzels, the ones you eat as snacks, like chips, but straight. in sweden we call them salty sticks. i like them too. when is this book finished, anyway. i think i have only written like forty or fifty pages. not even that. these pages are some dense. im a bit disappointed on the writing of this book. i was hoping i would be able to write it faster and more. but it was tougher than i though. i admit that. i though it would just work, that it would be pretty easy and that the book would just grow kind of by itself. like watching something boil. that it would occupy my time but not so much my mind. that wasnt very realistic. but i like unrealism when it comes to your own ability to do something.there is a point in taking on more than you can chew. sometimes. i should have a look at how i will design this book in the end. i should have it decided for friday, when i have class. the exhibition is the fifteenth i think, and thats like next week i think i checked it now and its the fifteenth. i think the same day as monicas birthday party. what a coincident. but that will work out somehow.

long underwear can be replaced with tights. say something karin. im not writing your book. she is not saying anything. now she said, be creative. i dont want to say anything an olp drf. the olp drf was written by dommel the cat. he stepped on the keys, then he erased it but i put it back. he also made a plus sign and some apostrophes but i cant use those signs in here so i took them away too. olp drf, so nice, it probably means food in cat language.

back in the book. i tested and this should be about page twohundred and twenty something, if im correct. which im probably not, but kind of sort of hopefully. book book book. gtttttklplllllllllll seventy seven. thats also something dommel the cat wrote. i got it in an email from karin, now i will throw stuff at the keyboard to generate text. thats just another way of generating. im not really an author anyway. as long as the text keeps moving. ewsijgxghgffgfgfgrrxrfiuyuibkdsf aiokkj ikik ik l. i wrote that with a big foam cube. also a fine method now i will throw a roll of tape on the keys.nhjcikigyytyytkedoytttgtnjm rtjmnbgyfvwhv. i threw a mandarin at the keyboard this time. also i very fine method. i filmed it all so its all well documented. looked great. as long as you have a good foam cube you cant fail. you can use it for anything. it works very very well as a football.

library of babel huh. i write during class now. danny think an index in the beginning is to stiff in alexas book. content, paragraph, pages blend over i dont really care its nice i think its to schematic to put in the book like i said reading the library one chapter per person hey its really cool, really nice good concept and the paper is fine fifteen people. fifteen paragraphs bind it. i just write what i hear in class now. alexa is her artisi name. i once spoke to a girl who chose the name rainbow. somehow. she picked up the name shookie. english name whatever i understand, the girl explained at a certain time they choose a name. it was so redicilous a friend favourite idol. alex american chinese singer. i write what i hear now tunc. oj. hej ludvig. kanske kan skriva nat ur boken. ik kann het bellen of niet. danny watches his watch. who is next. allein tunc en ludvic. jits joke also. with a c and a line under. what is the name of the word. the thing underneath. i dont know. mannen first bellen. met fiets. met tram dan. voorgaan. of so. are punt wg sp. wed like to go friday. have you seen them live. they eally became. they talk about trans am. i dont like the last output. youth community thing. the first time it way because of their cover computerworld. futureworld. surrender to the night. first three. selftitled. like the original. twelve ten inch. split with the trans champs. double exposure no it very good i think, fucking champs, walking in the audience only doing these riffs constantly. last time you said you needed another assignment, concentrate on the other assignment hit or miss project, wooden blocked. supermodel project we trust it will be good. clear in the mind. the whole thing will only be four hours. changing material.
naar the rietveld. niet gaan. we are all in here now. will je ook koffie. thanks for showing up. hey you found the book. i think they all think i was an idiot. heel supermooi. this is actually the story. when you are taking out the story. im also god im , what i s he good the for. god is taken out of the alphabet, its more, its sixhundred, i dont know its six hundred you know. im here it is superslow, i was thinking maybe i can keep all these things. its not random or what. i really want to try to get as far as possible. a performance. leaving out all the letters of the story. you only have twentytwo lettters. i left out g of d. you can never write it that was the idea. its only the story. the format huh. have you been thinking about the cover. the letter on the cover indicates nothing of the story, this structure on the cover. its repeated you know what i mean. i think its nice. on one hand becomes a bit dirty i thought i would just leave all these tracks. its amazing all this its so much work. especially this is rally difficult. how long how many hour i think about maybe thirtysix hour. only yesterday i really didnt like it. you lose the white people will be flipping through it people shouldnt touch it you dont have time, a last case over it a case a glass around it. like this and then you suggest maybe you can show but its nit the right size. you cans till show this at the beordeling, my book will look rally nice in this size. the vookant. glass opmakt but then you can only see only one page thats the only wierd thing about it you can its take quite a long time, to read it. yeah superconceptielle. supergoed. ik vind het heel moi, ik denkt get. de tooren von babel, a real coincident, voorkant standen. moet doen. dustcover maken, hey , this is the third person of the studio, kijk. een echte book eh. oh ja. een koffie. probier met kluerde papier. raar abstract ding. trans am. agatha christie, dolly van arnheim. later zien, kalle is at six lets see the presentation, im curious. when is it beginning. its at three. robin en brita ook doen. ok.

hello, soory that its so long, how are you doing, you, fooling around with your computer, your day, slow. do you hear, no wait i can fix it now i hear myself again, . its gone now, i just put on my headphones. yes. its the future. yeah. she seems to be doing all the talking. ah. uh oh. ok.hah. whats the plan. mhm. mhm. yeah. i wish he plugged out the headphones so i got more to write. im not going out anyway. yes. yeah.. oh yeah. the squat thing doesnt, i dont know... but. yeah you want to go. ha hah, m. click clik from mouse. clik. shes still doing all the talking. or they are just really not saying much. ok. alarm. yes. yeah but whats, do you know anything more about it. ok. ah, ok its like a houseparty. ok. oh yeah. yeah im going to ask him right now. hey mads how are you. im not going anyway i think. yah yah. yeah. click click. he must be working at the same time as talking on the phone. heh. click click. ah, ok. great. giggle. em, yeah, hah. umm, im just.. i think im going to stay... home... and just emm.. i got a..hm early i think...so maybe. hmah. ah. ok. oh yeah, i dont know. yeah. what did your mom say then. yeah. yeah. a. no clicking any more. scrollwheel sound. prtprtprptprptprrrrrt. well you can come by after you are out if you want. to go out. i dont know. if you are going to the squat thing i dont think so. yeah. nice. he ha. yeah. staffan wants to go out badly, yeah totally, yeah he wants to have three beerboxes in his hands. yeah. ahm... no.. but you are going to the i r s. clcik klick. alright. heh hm. apparently i have a presentation on monday for this photo thing, like documenting kalle staffan and mikaela. id didnt know it was on monday, i have tomorrow yeah. hah. yeah, i dont think it matters with the time.. yeah. yeahe he. but emm. ah.. i you could, your going to stay out till six i guess,, five... four. ok. no nothing. no klicks no scrolling hes just listening to her. hah, ah yeah. hh. heh. ha ha ha ha ha have fun. noo i havent. ooh, mhm. fniss. yeah. heh. yeah wll, eeh. me, no. klicking klicking klicking klicking klicking tap. mhm. tap tap. klick. ff. really. how come. what happened. aoh. heheh. makes you waterproof. ouuh. hehm. yeah. klick. oh yeah, what are you going to do . what happened. kicking. kick yeah. akey. alright but eeh.. you could eh, if you send an sms, when you are on your way home. or. yeah. he he yeah. but... louisa. we need to present for leo on minday, are you fininshed, are you done. yeah. yeah but the i mean the mmm. leo. but what about leo. yeah we do, ah yeah youre finished. alright. yeah it seems so to. its wierd. yeah. slow. yeah. s. its a bit odd, its a change.. yeah. yeah alright, yeah maybe.. maybe ill see.. ueah ok.. yeah alright.... soon. but if i dont go then you can eeh.. ill talk to you later. ok. bye. hmmm. scrool wheel. he hung up.
20.27
20:34
shit im late. have to go now. why does my girlfriend live on the other side of the city. fuck. i wish my apartment wasnt so shitty that she doesnt want to come here. i mean i understand i t also. i even forgot my bedsheets at school yeasterday. im not going to explain why it more fun that way for whoever reads this. 20:36 saturday.
11:00 sunday the angry man outside is still screaming. who the hell is he and why the hell is he screaming. i cant make out what hes saying but he sounds a bit like hitler. i should watch a movie and just write what they say, constantly for how long the movie is, just listening to the sound, not watching the movie. i guess it should be a movie like coffee and cigaretts that guy, with almost only dialogue, or maybe not. maybe it should be rambo or something. or. i dont know. karin what movie do you thinki should to it with. a he checked and at two o clock today snowdogs is on belgium one, its channel eight on karins tv. its a family comedy. im sure it will suck. a wealthy dentist discover he is adopted. so he goes to alaska to pick up his heritage, which is a bunch of sleigh dogs, h egoes racing with them. its supposed to be the same as another movie with the same actor. its also supposed to be a bit unreal and crazy. mm. im looking forward. i have to speed up the writing since its so short until i have to be finished. i can also watch empty nest at eight. supposed to be extra bad, according to karin. i look forward to bad tv. then will go fix my bike which i had to leave behind the other day because it broke. i have tools in my backpack for it. if i get a single drop of rain on me i will instantly get on a tram. i refuse to get wet any more. im swedish. i avoid stuff fallling from the sky. if im hungry later karin has some apple pie in a plastic box in the fridge. but i eat only gealthy stuff nowadays. starting yesterday. to speed things up i will transcribe things, that goes faster. the heart is dying the race is on. the race is on. its just a matter of time its just a matter of time. who examines the doctors. jesus satan hitler all want my soul. wow. now stuff happened in the street. like really really. wow. the screaming guy was actually totally nuts. straight out the window crazy. a looney. he must have been up all night, screaming. junkie, mental or alcoholic. all all of it. something serious, he started screaming outside another window half an hour ago, and throwing out all his stuff through the window. all his stuff, tv microwave lots of shit. and he also put his apartment on fire, karin felt the smell and called the fire departement, they were here really fast and there were lots of action, three cars lots of firemen, the guys screaming from the window, people passing by looking out for the flying stuff he was throwing. so crazy. the he started climbing on the ladder they put to his window, i dont think they counted in that, he made it all the way down safe though. i was afraid he would jump, kill himself, that would have been awful. wow what a sunday morning. the firefighters were actually pretty cool, really efficient and fast, and getting the job done. easy to think theyre awesome. also nice that firefighters have just a natural enemy, thats harmful to everyone, unlike the military. nobody likes fire. they are ultimately good. no one can disagree with what they do. its so easy to admire them as heroes. if i wasnt a skinny artsy semi intellectual twenty seven year old, i would become one. i will continue to write down what i can from wolverine blues by entombed from ninetythree. out of hand. i am jesus christ, no youre not youre dead. oaaahhhhh. iiiiiii.. whos gonna run to watch me bleed. its things youve never seen, noones free. the flesh begins to rot, i cant hear what hes saying. you make me think reality is full of shit. jesus christ lord of lies in disguise. fuck. fucked up mind for fucked up times. calm down for minute. you believe fucking gun. yeeaaaahhh. reach out for a while. they got their own shit they got company. can you feel its so divine, its pissing down your spine. cause you walk around in soil. yeah. aah. yah..aaah. this is such a good record my god. they were so good back then. theyre still a great live band. thirteen years later. welcome to the real world. welcome to the real world. six six six. they got their own shit they got company. its a fucking turning ground. would you believe. what you love you dont pet. passion. life is fucking lost. you will never gain my trust. im misanthropic breed in my need to be. like war. im praising for more. another of the passion. life is fucking lust. you will never gain my trust. im a misanthropic breed. in my need to feed. oh, fuck it. i am the most vicious of all. what s great line. i am the most vicious of all. dont call me stupid im insane. contempt. yaaaaah. before my eyes lies, nothing but lies. i can not believe this scene. humanity is the biggest cancer ever to be seen. before my eyes lies civilization. no matter how tall you are theres always someone to look down upon. human lives dont mean anything to me. barely a seed of insanity. i can not believe this scene. humanity is the biggest cancer ever to be seen. before my eyes lies civilisation. no matter how tall you are theres always someone to look down upon. human lives dont mean anything to me. barely a seed of insanity. emotionless. human lives dont mean anything to me. its barely a seed of insanity. yeeah. dead. im in sympathy for the devil but dont call me stupid im insane. at my worst im at my best. im full of hell. i got a heart like a graveyard, they are dying to get. at my worst im at my best. in my heart and deep within. i got i scar under my skin. im full of hell. drinking blood. i fuck your blood. your beating heart. i will empty you. vampire, blood desire. fire. yyyaaa. revel in blood, give me your blood. your pain. my life screams inside your veins. death be higher. i suck your blood i fuck your blood. i suck your blood i fuck your blood. i suck your blood i fuck your blood. i suck your blood i fuck your blood. i suck your blood i fuck your blood. heavens die. what a good record this is. ok i switched to blonde redhead now. fake can be just as good. from ninety seven. it will be the last. i fell into the evidence. the first for you was not the first for me. history. we thank your name for the sin. i want to live in every story. pretent your leaving. missing. not the way to tell. your leaving. yah. i dreamt of you. your my points inside for you i find my. today i am my way. promising links we beat it till i bled. a place in the world. an expression. no thoughts no fears. consciously with you and your smile. as for me my life today. you are i pray. i pray to you. i pray im you. a place in to he world. an expression. consciously with you in detention. god they are the best. this is the music i will try to make. why did you want me. when i am waiting. say that you you mean it. expression. what im trying to sell isnt all the same what is there beside the sensual. just a genuine need, for an average man. nothing more than love. cause im a watching you. i. want. you. you. you. you. to. say. one . time. kill a kiss. one line. get inside. i was wrong. get inside. soon. a. a. you. i. want. you. you. you. you. to . to. to. show. show. to hose. with a mission. when we bleed. get inside. yewah.. aö plase. t.t ka. zoo. a. e. t. what now what. like a fire. me to you. you to me. get away. get away. get away, get away what now yes or no yes or no yes or no yes or no yes or no. lets go lets go yes or no yes or no. so what what now. yah. to you this is. my kind. fathrer no ne. sees. i t. like. em. see you. call you. make you. i dont want to see you . loose my mind. why then.why then.why then.why then.why then.why then.why then.why then. imagine all the world return. oh ooh. system,. my guy. features. vreatiures. find you. i dont want to know. i will have right now that i see you. then.why then.why then.why then.why then.why then.why then.why then.why then.why then.why then.why then.why then.why then.why then.why then.why. wasted wonder. sattelite. image all the love returned. oi, this is making me hear the music so much better. im listen so carefully. i cant make out the words properly but its nice. nice noise. bubble. what we are going to do is play a little music. its going to go on for about an hour an a half. do do do do do do do dod od do dyou got that. its so professional. scatting. shellac live at atp. lets get this party starting. pia do poooo. pop doop pop. the rambler song. i named this song after you. call it canada image all trees so blue a paradise. im lost for words. substance. imagine there was a time your cigar was ironic. you have been at it so long. its chronic. mama gina. oh my mama gina had a sister angelina. and if there is a heaven. though i think that there is nooooooo heaven. shes probably dancing with you. she liked to dance. and she wouldve liked you. when she heard you died. my pretty girlfriend cried. and that shit was real. she cried and cried and cried and cried, and shook live a baby mouse. inconsolably. she liked to dance, and she wouldve liked you. song of the minerals. next chord. yaah. yaaah. best best. new string on the bass huh. so good. home. no hope nothing. ate yourself out of the house. new nothing at all. wait makes you feel better. makes you better. cut yourself up and down the arm, makes you feel better. total stranger. i dont know. makes you feel better. its alright if it makes you feel better. its alright if it makes you feel better. its alright if it makes you feel better. its alright if it makes you feel better. its alright if it makes you feel better. its alright if it makes you feel better. its alright if it makes you feel better. its alright if it makes you feel better. its alright if it makes you feel better. people i . know. felt for. even. you. its alright its alright its all right its alright. the dog and pony show. if i could walk. id be a miner. if i could talk. id be preacher. if i was a preacher. tell you what id save a million souls. start with you. if i was a miner, tell you what, id be a damn good one. good joke. it was all worth it. meow. and left us naked out here in the sun. i attach no importance to it. because of my head. my head. doesnt surprise me too. redneck. you could say she was. a miner. me i dont think so. at the dog and pony show. the watch song. im probably so wrong all over the place. but i hear what i hear. and im typing. thats what counts here. yaeeaaah. hey man hey. i wannai wanna with you. disregarding my feelings on the subject it appears that i am going to. put away that shit about a fight one minute. this one so far im disappointed in. i can not turn half the piece of shit. hey man hey i wannai wanna i wanna i wanna i wanna i wanna i wanna i wanna i wanna have a fight with you. from the way that you are behaving its clear that you would like to have one to. lets stop dancing and do what we both came here to do. thank you. good morning. well see you tomorrow. slint. good morning captain. back then. a voice cried softly. scattered remnants of the ship we had seen in the distance. on the shore. im the only one left. the stormed took them all. he managed as the tears ran down his face. please, its cold. when he walked there was no trace left of the ship. he felt the creaking from the stairs beneath him. from the door. there was a sound from the window then. the captain startled. slowly he turned. from behind the window. there appeared the gentle face of a child., the captain reached for something to hold on to. help. me. the boy went pale. stepped in the doorstep. im sorry. i missed you. im torn. the whispering. i miss you. i may never forget. im iss youuu. waaaahiii miss you. i miss youuuuuuuoooouaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. nosferatu man. also good. but it seems all the music i really like has whispering or screaming or unclear vocals. hm. hard to hear its like a story, whispered. now i put on hollowman two instead. its a movie, then you hear what they are saying. the movie didnt work. so here comes the teleshop tv commercial. that means it never stops cleaning. thats exactly what i mean. look at this. makes minced meat out of this rubbish. anyone who cleaned a stairs with a vacuum cleaner knows what i men. or the bathroom. swivelsweeper. now let me show, you can see that its empty now watch this after just few short moments the sweeper does this not only get the big but the small stuff to. without effort. its an awesome product. the product of the year. i cant take this any more. i will design the pages a bit now instead

thursday 1wow. i have moved it all into indesign now and it looks like this is page twohundredandsixtyeight. that pretty ok. it will change of course, for instance its with capitals at the beginning the words of the sentences. ill change that back again, and see what page i end up at then. hold on

ah, its still the same page. great.

jaha. here we go again. lost for words. i hope the cnn webtv will work now, so i can write some of what i hear. just a few moments ago john higgins. alll the transfer activities. discovery lcs activation. we just cant get it on display on the blue screen. when we get the blue screen.lets just talk about it in a second. its from the nasa shit. say something nasa. come on. im getting bored up here. activation. ok we understand you are noot getting the oicture we are ok with that. ok sounds hreat. laser camera computer to members onboard on recent flight aswell continuing with check out nosecao inspection that will start shortly. and again simultaniously is in preparation for all the docking that will take place shes been sent a messsage for some of the actions that will take place that will be packed after docking. also early transmission will be some of the e v a spacewalk dock ing that will take place as well. i wish we had some hot chicks up here christer. yeah me to. hipe my wife doesnt hear this. ho ho. yeah shes a really fat bitch huh, yeah. im glad we are all the way up here in space. you, hey look i see a wierd light over there. yeah me too. what can it be. i dont.. idont know. what the. oh my god its coming closer. aw, that shit sucks ill just write for real now about something. i really dont know about what, but something always pops up. i have a lot of pages to go so lets just keep going. i will just write the word total shitloads of times. ok. total total total toatl total total total total total total total total total total total totla total total total total total total total total total totl atotal total toal . loat toal totl total loalto laotl aotla laotlt laotla this text is set in baskerville bookl very nice typeface. isnt it. staffan is whistling. klick klick. mads is on a date, and is not home for the evening. good for him. bonk bonk. godd says joel. humps. goat beard, grey look spretty correct. old man, lloks like you could work for the swedish institute to promote sweden. yeah that would be the best choise, choosing me. preoject. its al ot of of arms and legs in the images now. can someone go buy chips or something now.. yeah i can do that. im just goig to onna a little bit more with thism now. whistle whistle. my bike is still on the way to karins place. open. i dont care how random this gets anymore. hmm hmm. hrm hrm. klick klick. the tea is boiling now. i shut of karins gas heater by mistake. hrmpf. anatomy of disorder. anantomy. whistle. her name is alinie not ailine. she said that to you now. we were all wrong. and now it is in the book. it is for me. hey, how is it going. yes, its good right. it didnt hurt huh. how did it look under there. then. but all the red is it like crust or what. under the new layer. aha. soit is like, uuw. mm. how disgusting. mhm. how the hell does it feel then. aha. if its only half of the nail. yeah i thouhgt so too. latitude five o five. yeas thats it, ok thats something something. im translating swedish now, it shouldnt take such a fuclking long time huh, if you practice a bit first. well i have cut a film together. i would like to have the songs you had this spring. i whistled in the songs here, but it soundd like five flutes. but i guess its ok, nah dont worry about that. now i will try to make another movie here. yeah we can do that yo. i will just continiue to write here so they dont get suspicous anymore. they know i write what they say so its a bit hard now. they dont say anything anymore. well well. the tea must be boiling by now.
pink falag, ah what song doid he choose. its two partitions. oh how modernt. wow, eddie meduza is extra good. now its nico. these days, theese days, these days i seem to think a lot of the thigs of the things that i forgot to do. and the things. i stop. i dont do to much gamblings these days. these days i seem tho think about how all these changes came about my way. i wait. i have never heard that far, i never could listen long enough to get to that part. its just that imve been losing so long. so long. so long so long so long. lalallaalalalallalalalalalalal. nico. herion. i stop my i would do to much skeeming thees days, cornerstones. please dont confront me with my failures. i had not forgotten them. klick klick klick. i hate it i hate it, why, but hello, ten seconds. ten. not with movies. dead boring besides that. really boring. incredible. i already did it once. do i have to do it again just because of her fucking whining.no non o. whine. bang bang bang. homogen photos. thats what keeps this together. great that you have the same colours on your clothes. download some nico. ah there was one more. here it comes now. hit me. now that its time. now that. i want to know do i stay or do i go. forgetting. now that i fly now that i turn now that i feel.

perhaps the excpetion of the rythm is destoyed. natural frequences are articulated by speech. i regard this not so much as a way to smooth out any irregularities. i am sittin gi na room. different from the one you are in now. now it is sixten minutes. twentyseven minutes. thirtyseven. nothing left.

what a playlist. i popped like twenty at the same time. wow. never happened before.

yes it is yes it is. noise.

vajert. good flow. wow double. crust. boost. joel has, onehundred and seventy eight thousand twohundred points on sobics. its such a great game. by the way go into my website, but firts google, sobics and play that game. www.hijackyourlife.com a very unpolitically correct danish game about a guy. thats a shame. its gone. the genderissues are all solved in holland. a guy told me so when i was looking for a book about feminism here. so good to know. i wonder how it goes with racism. fixed to, i guess. better study it f twelve, its like wow, open up. computer bastard. eddie meduza psychosis. twenty seconds mister.
hot heat in the hellholoe of rock and roll kingdom of motherfucking a class love in the realm of deep darkness rock city.

i think i would have a lot to offer at the madhouse. bresa. what would you do staffan. ah, then we can save. whistle. consert all night. bastard of love. rock from the a to the z, to the rock to the cock to the tick and the tock. silent disco. with different songs. in the united states of america. bresa vresa resa hesa kesa skolkesa. i wrote it wrong one time as a kid. i thinkit was very cute. how do i sit. oh yes oh yes. this is the best book ever. do you thinki will get the nobel price. come back as a hero. mom will be proud. i will be rich. and they will eat me.
i have a list of words i want to learn. the bigger the ass the more tired you get. wow the nonsense you can write once you lose respect for it. wonderful times. abcdefghij. gegga. fega. i should buy some hasch and try it. it cant do any harm a can it. boston en lommer. an important piece of rock and roll history of brott and straff on the seas of madness in the halls of eternal asskicking.

music on a long thin wire. press play, gubbe.

ja ja, ja , ja. ja . ja. jaja. ja . ja .ja. ja . ja eeeh. ja. ja . ja. ja. jaja ja ja. ja, ja. jaja .ja ja ja ja.
nej. nej.

in my computer. not so many. do you have thriller on your record player. he cant handle it. depeche mode. once featured in bamse. this is mainstream.

filming and screaming a picture the scene. and dreaming the scene. dreaming of me. of me. take it for the truth. you have to use scale. otherwise... filming and screaming i picture the scene. dreaming of me. dreaming of me. dreaming of me. dreaming of me. time to understand.

i want salty sticks and juice. nothing else, i dont need any shit. any candy or anything like that. all that has to stop. we are turning into pigs.

basshunter staffan. playing hide and seek.

atart 1530 tisdag.

a personal layer of information discover by language that is used, i was wondering about it but eh, iit could aslso just be another font. also colourwise, its a nice, its me speaking, it would be an obvious choise. this kind of goes together with this one. what the book is about. iwas thinking about this. its an introduction by barabara. here she explains waht, this. it feels more that im on the right track, i thinks so too, use it as a graphic design.
its such awellknown book also. i will try to forget what everybody else thinks about this book, also. how you could transformation of excersise in style. how you could play with what you already do over here. talk about the system of letters, lannguage. symbols. the choise of if it should be letters or not. this is hard to understand, its a different style. in that section, thats something probably that i havce to be helped with a bit. you try to understand the. thats the problem. i will try to explain that, by which is something that you use repeatadely with the style of text you use. thats sort of a message used. these all all used.
so femenin is a certain way of writing. some of them are really grammatic, kind of freely elaborated, he used invented these specific excersises. it gives it yeah. he doesnt present facts, past tense, futuristic all these that are all these things, a way to get around all these things, klamp klamp hello tunc, in the room again. this thing, haha. nah, this thing is of course, if this is the best solution all the combination, all the, one of yeah alot. its two letters, its lreally a littel, small small part of the system. na goed.

heel veel werken. as long as its interesting to work with. we have to start up the projects for the last year. the production is now much easier. i find now im getting into certain things, its a preface, bla bla. i cant write this fast, im fed up again. but she writes about the femenin. this is an introduction tho the whole book. and then. the title for the whole book. now linn is up, go linn, go go go. yeah rock on baby. i think i decided now fot the black and white, but then i thought i have to work on fiull color a bit. yeah i was also thinking it could be nice to bring it out to a poster. in like like tihs. double sided just so i can take the whole pile altogether. when will we collect. ha ha. good luck. no thats the colours. its really beautiful. yeah. but eeeh. i havnt decided exactly what i should show first, i thought that i could show something first. like maybe a whoel page. i take out maybe the whole number maybe not abstract it tso much yet. we talked about it the firsst time. maybe take away the things around it. and also this black part. yeah yeah, we can try it, its already now its alreday this is something else than this paper, we are not going to print on this kin do paper, it becomes more abstract then , like this, faked throught eyebrows. it doesnt look like a book. thats not so difficult to do maybe. when i see this is more about the illustrations and its noce to see all, somehow informative, i can understand why you see it if it was black and white it would be more avbstract you can save a little sharpness around it whether ypopu stopp all around it i t should not become an all around i think i have to go all around it in photoshop in re versse it you can feather how black and white and what have you. and i also found these bad prints or what, black prints, you dont see in books anymore, it becomes abstract it bocomes more of ag.
like a comparisin a sort o f adetail its abigger skill, s a bigger scale it could be the center of this booklet, if you compare similarities, you found som misprints, motre done in this case than in this case, it makes it so importnatn, when you compare this to this, it bwcimes why this and not this and you already ahav eonly eight pages. so much you can deakl with. we talked about the typographical point now i have these ytpographical, these could be in asection, this and this, andf this becomes one page. this was a title page. this was a case. im not sure what everything is called. iu aked them but what font is it. one four five two. u huhl no its not i can use it i alreday have it

kalle stop it. i really dont know why that guy is up in space, fold and print.

the book it has its, it came out in taa period when ornamnet s where used for a formal way but also a functional way. should be funtional, esthetical. to be even more focuses. you can already make a whole review. ficus on type. ornamnet inside the book, the way in technicl drawings, maybe kind of focus. then this could be a very good solution. vety nice, thise page could be, very, centerfold. even more small. yeah. i think it could be a next step. yeah hello noa. h ahaha aha . yeah yeah i dont want o hahahah. you know. this book, adds the ornaments, yeah they are used, for practical informantion. is your new base. yah yah. compeltely differnt. together its the adds. its morea way of showing wha wha yeah lots of talking in the room now, where am i in all of this. yeah yeah. how tdo they realate to each other. s h f i guess its a hundred euros, isnt it swiss then. hoiw much was it. what it could maybe organize, nah, i thought. ask them for discount, these i kind of make. in. yeah. ping ping pingpi. do pa do pa., do pa his typing still. on friday which page are you on now, really like your styel thanks.

two o clock sharp. we were talking hello, hello, wow, ha ha, yeah i know, haha uo acn see i mean. in school. maybe you should try taking it in daylight. can be. but hten you have to. i couldnt. yo can always oush it i mean. this way this grey, its almost like in the midtones. it should be different quite a bit of course. photographer, you have the original file. what you can do. ask. you can ask you cacn judge it by a good screen, if the colours are good. we will print on quite ordinary paper, this seems to me a little big gray, maybe more, dit is moi. im just wondering about this, lots of things, but in this, in my mind i have very much the cshema from in the beginning, doesnt feel like five doffernt words, like printefd separated. lmostl like handdrawn, we have some time snow, to sharpen up the details, whe you have something like this, no. yeah its heel moi. i like. thats very nice, dit, en sit. and to print it like this, so black there a prints to do this, only black and white. its somethimes hard to get this, the ucking all the ink, under this black we can put also, seventy percent magenta, or cuan, thats something you undersatsnd er print cyan underneath, it takes also a little bit of the colour under, we can try it out. no its something you have o think about its something you have to do just. and see. you remembre the first one, i like it so much its from the beginning, i dont like the pocket book, you know what im saying, rip it out, yahh, bet different colours, text. everybodys paranoid with that, yeah moi. this would be should i send you a mail. you can send me a pdf. send me a pdf. when i have time, i answer. are you in line, a hm. after tunc. because i need to make a print, otherwise, im not sure, i need to print another day. twohundred i need to print, yeah, are you still maing it. buy the dummy ready. i have too cook. talk to th eold people ueah, you have to try i was here first. hoiw come dag didnt he has to do it. he is sitting there alomne doing the dummmies. he said, we hardly make. mim a necrophole, i just saw a naked horse in the street. i had a look through a man magazine. to clear my head. oi, like the einhorn. like real thing, a forest animal. is it that one. its brown he shooti t and took it to the bushes. this is an animal that you eat. wow thats amazing. very cool ,very cool, this book is turning out very nice. alright alritgh rene is back in the room. anette is up. like. daniel. like yeah. im not going to be long, ha ha ha ha hah a. i really have whats the line, whats the, what do oyu mean. daniel. this is on the website. and kalle. no i have done mine, you can go, yah yah, nonono, you mean this margin here is smaller thatn this margin here, this is my first page this, i dont like, i want it to be, smaller the same. yah. big d. will it be one hundred and eleven. an entrance, yeah, it could be nice, make it much more, obvious, lets see it once again, uh huh. yah. it will be probably here, its alot, yah. say something guys, i want to writa down what you are on about, this is the abbreviation this is the only green taxt now, ok, i didnt know, make a text, al ittl emake it roun yah make it story about a guy in the forest fucking a deer, goed i ac am going insane here, you know, youu, know im interested, you saw this green poster. come on its poster ,what is this, mwhat is this,m who did the poster, fucking second year, ficking all years, besoides see what happens, see what looks strange i like the effect of searhing the elements, more or lees thepoint i sout with your personal elements, lets see, in the section with johanna anette jaan and johanna, additional colour, you have bluw, red now blue, red would be like corrections. and johanna blue aswell. is it a maybe we all have red, i acan alos sirkel only has red. johanna goes you can blue blue and jaan blue more or less we can see all of it printed in full colour, do you like it yourself im now very curious, all add the text, because i have monday tuesday beordeling, no list.

i have to leave early like everyone else, i really doddnt like this typography in the the end so i did try to make it really clear and simple now, i have so much time in this book, all put down in words, i like the midget, the telepathic midget in the book. i like him i cant understand he is so ugly why is he so ugly. i dont care what they say worm arms are cool. and oh my god where is this leading im losing it agai. what does it mean, reading.

twenty, oh whaer are you, all of you. i cant tell my insode from my outside anymore, its not so clear something has to give, and its going to be me. the book will win. it eats me and i love it for it. ah. wow. if one of us is going to suffer why the hell does it have to be me.

this is original, thesesa re all variations. full book but different order, its not set up mybe when i try to reorder them its not some how its then theses really wierd things. i feel like puking from writing this book, not from boredom mostly because its earsing my mind in a way, a, i hate this aesthetical colour. biut then blue wow, lets go out in the open baby. smaller world, bigger book, its shrinking again, i will see what happens when it leads like this, i love it. this is the shit. why have i gone here. with this, is this ok, i get it. bbut the numbers and the view, the lines and i get it again. hope it leads to stardom this book, stardom. i say stardom. whe nyou start typography when its the title. the place the mind the time the time for it. roght place wrong time, roight wrong ritgh wrong. correct. its nice to keep a line. its good toi see thats its nicenow its completely filled up the staring point for this is smaller more arrogant, than it used to, i have space, i have time, i have this book.

its also an interesting in the longest review, you have to fit the composition, it doesnt adjust to you . nothing adjusts to you you are the flexible thing here, ou know. you are the one with a mind and you are spilling it all over the place. be careful. this can be roman, woman, this is the strongest one, here you have almost this text is now justified, heree you cant see it anymore, yes, here you have a little bit a problem, this should continue here, you can put the line here this line is here, how does it work, its hard a bit i cant cut the word to fit it here you see its kindof a its a justified to ablock i tried to coordinate with this one it feels like its a littel fitting here, maybe it should be a block in apage in a vblock and it ends here its little bit more here that you do the same thing here its the same paert here the same a little bit like here a little bit more like ah, i dont, more a little bit aform, you cover up alittle bit this form it will be stornger whern you become functional, noe i have the feeeling int s more clear than this, you know. what you have, i think the number sca be this big, here you put them more over it, maybe go more pver here. its a little bit this first page order totlally over the top. over the thing all over i think it now works, gete teh pint this is abook, this is the same number thae minder of the page. remember the time you werent here, dont forget that,. don tlose your roots. dont do that. huh. complew at the moment when you have one line why i did this, why i really want this is clear, when you solve this page you can be a little bit more elegant, when page stars here then here should be also stars, and then you have it here then you understan here just a white gap but if i have here everywhere, no, with this comma i dont like it woth numbers i like, add for the whole book, describes book by this. underluine here and underlilne here double spacing here free double space. just have an hour more. its really you cant see them because of all these because of all the filming a book, last thing maybe can also be a space, also nice for you to, most quite long,

ok i really dont have time to write this now but i guess i should do it for the sake of consistency. this is the invitation, im writing it right now and will paste it into an emaiol and send around, probably none of the people that didnt get the other invitations will get as far as to the info wihich is of course a shame, but i cant really be arsed right now. i have to get on with monicas invitation too, and its alreday what, half past eight, and also the photos from todays session with the borderassign,ment needs to be edited and sorted out. i kind of need to get my head around how to look for clues, or baggage, stuff that referes to other stuff. its way less apparent than i thought it would be, pretty naive. hey now its nice to write again, would also be cool if this is the last lines i write, or actually no that would suck a bit. which means that i have to write some more before i go tomorrow. and when excactly is that going to take place mister. yah yah, it will work out i t always does. i just remembered that someone will read this soon. not just on friday but also tonight, since everybody is probably modern and hooked up and online and vwell informed. well then, i guess i can treat this text the way i want. so ok, il do that. also, here is the info. the total library exhibition/opening: friday december fifteenthth, four oclock to eitgh punt wg m.v.b. bastiaansestraat fifteen tenfiftyfour rs amsterdam www.puntwg.nl but you can also think of some really nice subtitles: the total library an exhibition based on ‘the library of babel’ by jorge luis borges. the total library an exhibition by the graphic design department of the rieveld academy. etc. etc. i had this read to me and typed it. so, now what, it would be so neat. flaff flaff. i wish someone was talking ritgh now so i could just write that down, amazing how much faster that goes, doesnt really take more energy either. or i guess it does, but hey, faster is faster, and thatspretty important right now. well, huh, lets see i joel acn say something that i can write. he said sven. njow its official the word sven will be spread copied and read as a preview. aw, shit. ill keep this up for at least like i dont know, one hour, if i manage to stay away from the rest of the work i have to do. lets do it like this, ill write until this record is finished. they also want a kind of feedback, it was a kind of typically hectic upcperson on the phone. you will get a digital box, and joel wants candy. ok, joel wants to go out and buy candy ill tag along, which means the email will have a big break, thats actually very fitting, good timing. where is staffan then its lucia today, sankta lucia ljusglada fagring en pant en elefant hundra missiler. ett glas med roodvin, huskvarna brinner. sankta lucia. sanktaaa lucia. sataffan var en stalledreng, vi tackom nu sa garna.

snusdosa, thats swedish, kottbulle, what is he talking about, ah, floors assignment. kvack. now we can go soon, jut some more laundry, need to keep clean, otherwise you are labeled retareded and niet lekker. dirty sounds like fish in dutch. must b ea realtion. shes careful, that woman.

staffan was a stable helper, he watered his five horses horses five, ingenman we thank him now so much. rock and roll in varje hus. vi tackar oss sa garna. ingen dager is visible yet. the stars shine so shine. that should be the best i have to work, now the nonsense is back you just cant do i lying down, maybe you get to much blood to your brain if you loie down, so you remain smart. whichmust mean i have a low blood pressure, so i need to get some good pills from doctor love, they call him, doctor love. tussen, gebraugt, what. are you coming or what. whats the present, a s w o r d. yeah.

i was at monica and mumble mumble, i worked on her computer, blah blah. tomatoes, mhm. how was school, luna told me i looked tired, shit, go home, and i did. one guy in my class put a newspaper on his head and fell asleep. now you ge to go home. flustret lagar barnen. its a split pary it will be bang on everybody will be drunk and an old apple, i have downloaded negro music that we will listen to now. bink bonk. pickiping pong. now we will play, sprutt. what are you going to play, no, thats right i had to work today. ah, for a change, lets get this stuff finished. oh, thats really bad music mister. im sorry i cant take reagge. i hate the laidback feeling to it, i hate that in all music. ah shit this horrible way of popp popping with the guitar, dont hide behind a delay. ah now he plugged it in also. now its louder. at least the speakers are broken, so i cant hear it so clean. oh my god. anything. put on tommy korberg, whatever. that radio is broken, i have to throw it away. i will. the time is not late enough i will wait until everybody has gone to sleep. matze just called, they will go for beer today, i have to work, but thats very commeon these days, i havent been properly plastered in almost three months now, which is a long time, ive been to sick, plain and simple. but this saturday, monicas thirtieth birthday, then i will. aw shit this will not be an hour, i cant take it when i dont have time, bad planning but what can you do. well for one thing you can continue writing and stick with it. but i wont for now.

ok, mr book im terribly sorry but i cant make it the ending, its apparent now. this is the end. the end the end. its been fun.

id like to go crazy some more.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

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